Joke of the Day

[passline]

An 18 year old Sicilian girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born,my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him. 'You gonna try again.'

 

[Cragar]

An 18 year old Sicilian girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born,my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him. 'You gonna try again.'

Good one !! :tongue:

 

[passline]

Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

 

[Cragar]

Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

Considering the type of work I do , that is funny. BTW , I know of a couple guys whose businesses are called Bugs-B-Gone. ( I will have to watch out for them )

 

[steveny]

http://media.mtvnservices.com/video...hoo.com/mc/welcome?.rand=d5nb0m8pns8ih&geo=US

 

[Cragar]

Gotta love Tom Mabe :biggrin:

This is probably a repost , but it is SO funny it is worth a second time around.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un_PjRXV5l8

 

[passline]

http://media.mtvnservices.com/video...hoo.com/mc/welcome?.rand=d5nb0m8pns8ih&geo=US

About 20 threads down under practical joke (92 white). Still, a real pisser to re-visit. :biggrin:

 

[ALSWEL]

See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

1 Banana
2 Dresser
3 Grammar
4 Potato
5 Revive
6 Uneven
7 Assess


































Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters..

Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

 

[Cragar]

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/lWDBh0fQ1ug&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/lWDBh0fQ1ug&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

 

[passline]

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/lWDBh0fQ1ug&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/lWDBh0fQ1ug&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:

 

[passline]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

 

[ChopsJazz]

An old man says to his doctor, "Doc, what's wrong with me? When I look int the mirror I see a tired, wrinkled, pale, withered old man!"

"Well," says the doctor, "There's certainly nothing wrong with your eyes."

 

[Sir Charles]

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is coming October 23rd!!


October 23rd is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty; you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! Here are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co- workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping on October 23rd...and have a great slapping day!

 

[passline]

Why I had to change hotels last week.


Last week I checked into my hotel in Atlanta and was a bit lonely.
I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone
books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found
an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending
over, in the phone book.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair,
long graceful legs..... Well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck,
give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.......... God, she sounded sexy..
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated, I rushed right in. 'Hi, I hear
you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me
one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what
I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now!
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in
chocolate syrup, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside
line.'

 

[ChopsJazz]

Our marriage counselor suggested that perhaps our marriage needed more spontaneity in our sex life. So one day I saw my wife bent over reaching for the dog food and I thought, "we need more spontaneity", so we did it right there on the floor!

Our marriage is great now, but we can never go back to that Safeway again.

 

[Cragar]

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[Vega$ NSX]

What do you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian's appartment?







Potpourri

 

[ChopsJazz]

My wife likes to talk during sex.

Last night she called me from Baltimore.

 

[passline]

My wife likes to talk during sex.

Last night she called me from Baltimore.

Is Rodney back? I remember the first time I had sex, boy was I scared.
"I was all alone!"

 

[Dtrigg]

With my wife I get no respect. On her birthday I made a toast, "To the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me.

 

[Dtrigg]

I'll tell you, my wife was never nice. On our first date I asked her if I could give her a kiss on the cheek. She bent over.

 

[Dtrigg]

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

 

[Dtrigg]

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

 

[Dtrigg]

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

 

[Dtrigg]

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.