I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joke of the Day
- Thread starter tosugrad
- Start date
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
In honor of Veteran's Day...
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it Is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour." ________________________________
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the Wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys.. "Yours is." _____________________________
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good Wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone." ________________________________
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!" "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!" ________________________________
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished With their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse Smells like." ________________________________
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, You'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it Is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour." ________________________________
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the Wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys.. "Yours is." _____________________________
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good Wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone." ________________________________
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!" "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!" ________________________________
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished With their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse Smells like." ________________________________
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, You'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
A doctor is hurrying down a hallway when a nurse approaches him and asks him to sign a requisition form. He quickly reaches into his shirt pocket and begins to sign the form, but the nurse points out that he is trying to sign the paper with a rectal thermometer.
"Damnit", says the doctor. "Some a$$hole's got my pen!"
"Damnit", says the doctor. "Some a$$hole's got my pen!"
:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin: Good One, Doug.
This isn't for any religious reason. There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Should be able to find enough sheep, though.
There is an ample supply in congress. :smile:
Don't forget about the lobbyists chasing the sheep with their velcro gloves.
What does Bill Clinton want for Christmas?
A mistletoe belt buckle.
A mistletoe belt buckle.
Professional courtesy. Just a little trick of the trade.:tongue:
A guy stops over his friends house and only the wife is home. She invites him in. He says, I'll give you $100 if you show me one of your breasts. She agrees and shows him one. He pulls another $100 bill out of his pocket and says I'll give you this other $100 if you show me your other breast. She agrees and shows him the other one. He says that was really nice, thanks her and leaves. When her husband gets home she tells him that his buddy stopped over. He says "great, did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"
Don't forget the knee pads!
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
M y
Re simay
To
hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt
to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin
Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think
I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person.
I no my
spelling is not too good.
My
salerery is open, I kin start
emeditely.
Thank yoo
in advanse fore yore anser.
Sinseerly,
Charlette
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short
I sent a
pickture
of
me.
Dear
Tiffany,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you
Monday.
Re simay
To
hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt
to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin
Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think
I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person.
I no my
spelling is not too good.
My
salerery is open, I kin start
emeditely.
Thank yoo
in advanse fore yore anser.
Sinseerly,
Charlette
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short
I sent a
pickture
of
me.
Dear
Tiffany,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you
Monday.
Got this e-mail from a friend...
CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyComputer?
CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyComputer?
DON'T FORGET ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY!
WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY
Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does..
So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think it’s okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root-out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America !
WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY
Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does..
So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think it’s okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root-out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America !
Cabbie picks up a nun right before Halloween. She cannot ignore the fact that he keeps staring at her in the review mirror. "My son, is there a problem?"
"Well. Sister, I have to tell you that I have always fantasized about...getting kissed by a Nun." She replys that if he is Catholic and single that God would not think it a sin. "I am single and I am Catholic," he stammers and wheels into the nearest alley. There, he gets a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
Once back on the roide he confesses to not only being married, but also to being Jewish!
"That's OK, my son," the Nun responds, "I am on my way to a party and my name is Kevin."
:biggrin:
"Well. Sister, I have to tell you that I have always fantasized about...getting kissed by a Nun." She replys that if he is Catholic and single that God would not think it a sin. "I am single and I am Catholic," he stammers and wheels into the nearest alley. There, he gets a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
Once back on the roide he confesses to not only being married, but also to being Jewish!
"That's OK, my son," the Nun responds, "I am on my way to a party and my name is Kevin."
:biggrin:
"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it isn't 'til next Wednesday."
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it isn't 'til next Wednesday."
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
Santa stops at 3 HO's!
Santa stops at 3 HO's!
A bus load of politicians were driving down a Texas country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'
The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how they lie.'
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'
The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how they lie.'
The wife bitched me out last night, for walking through the house with my boots on again. So I decided to jump on the bike and go for a quick spin, to cool down...
Boy, that pissed her off even more!!!
Boy, that pissed her off even more!!!
The
Worlds Shortest Books
THINGS
I DID TO DESERVE THE
NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by
Barack Obama
____________________________________________
OTHER
BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
by
Tiger Woods
______________________________________________
THINGS
I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy
Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael
Moore
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I
HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by
Rev
Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS
I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by
Hillary
Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS
I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill
Clinton
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL
HYGIENE
by
Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT
AFFORD
by Bill
Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR
MONEY
by Dennis
Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE
TRUE
by Al Gore & John
Kerry
_____________________________________
AMELIA
EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE
PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL
SPEECHES
by Dr. J..
Kevorkian
__________________________________
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE
......
by Ellen de Generes
& Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE
TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike
Tyson
__________________________________
THE
AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY
PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J.
Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE
SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy
______________________
MY BOOK OF
MORALS
by Bill Clinton with
introduction
by the Rev. Jesse
Jackson
*******************************************************
AND,
JUST ADDED:
Complete
Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By
Nancy Pelosi
*******************************************************************
Worlds Shortest Books
THINGS
I DID TO DESERVE THE
NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by
Barack Obama
____________________________________________
OTHER
BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
by
Tiger Woods
______________________________________________
THINGS
I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy
Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael
Moore
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I
HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by
Rev
Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS
I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by
Hillary
Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS
I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill
Clinton
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL
HYGIENE
by
Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT
AFFORD
by Bill
Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR
MONEY
by Dennis
Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE
TRUE
by Al Gore & John
Kerry
_____________________________________
AMELIA
EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE
PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL
SPEECHES
by Dr. J..
Kevorkian
__________________________________
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE
......
by Ellen de Generes
& Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE
TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike
Tyson
__________________________________
THE
AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY
PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J.
Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE
SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy
______________________
MY BOOK OF
MORALS
by Bill Clinton with
introduction
by the Rev. Jesse
Jackson
*******************************************************
AND,
JUST ADDED:
Complete
Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By
Nancy Pelosi
*******************************************************************
The Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just
hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday
trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your
job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshi**in' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . You started it."
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just
hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday
trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your
job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshi**in' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . You started it."
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