Joke of the Day
- Thread starter tosugrad
- Start date
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.
"Guido, I wanna you lissina me.
I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.
How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy.
Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.. "Whatta you gonna do then?
Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"
"Guido, I wanna you lissina me.
I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.
How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy.
Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.. "Whatta you gonna do then?
Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"
...........on a similar theme............. :biggrin:
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his
bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a
deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about
in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront
the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney,
who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask
him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'
The attorney, using sign language,
asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't
know what you are talking about.'
The attorney tells the Godfather:
'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'
The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'
The attorney signs to the
bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'
The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK!
You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my
cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'
The Godfather asks the attorney:
'Well, what'd he say?'
The attorney replies: 'He says you
don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'
Don't you just love lawyers ?
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his
bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a
deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about
in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront
the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney,
who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask
him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'
The attorney, using sign language,
asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't
know what you are talking about.'
The attorney tells the Godfather:
'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'
The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'
The attorney signs to the
bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'
The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK!
You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my
cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'
The Godfather asks the attorney:
'Well, what'd he say?'
The attorney replies: 'He says you
don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'
Don't you just love lawyers ?
Happy Hour In Texas
A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas when he notices a sign in front of a restaurant which reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord Almighty," he says to himself, "My three favorite things!!"
A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas when he notices a sign in front of a restaurant which reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord Almighty," he says to himself, "My three favorite things!!"
Maxine on the bailout!
"BAIL EM OUT! ???? Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"
"BAIL EM OUT! ???? Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"
Some Swedes go to a big church raffle, and Oly wins a toilet brush.
A few weeks later, Sven catches up to Oly and asks him how things are going with the brush.
Oly says, "Oh, it's pretty good, I guess.
I prefer toilet paper, though".
A few weeks later, Sven catches up to Oly and asks him how things are going with the brush.
Oly says, "Oh, it's pretty good, I guess.
I prefer toilet paper, though".
Can you solve this puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your right side is a drop off.
On your left side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the carousel. *
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your right side is a drop off.
On your left side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the carousel. *
lol. I hate when that happens.
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
State Mottos Part 1...
Alabama - Heck Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona - But It’s A Dry Heat.
Arkansas - Literacy Ain’t Everything.
California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids, and Home Of The Early Bird Special
Georgia - We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois - Please, Don’t Pronounce the "S"
Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana - We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine - We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan - First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi - Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.
Alabama - Heck Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona - But It’s A Dry Heat.
Arkansas - Literacy Ain’t Everything.
California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids, and Home Of The Early Bird Special
Georgia - We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois - Please, Don’t Pronounce the "S"
Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana - We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine - We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan - First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi - Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.
State Mottos Part 2...
Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada - Prostitutes and Poker!
New Hampshire - Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota - We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio - At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma - Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon - Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal
Rhode Island - We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee - The Edyoocashun State
Texas - Se Hablo Ingles
Utah - Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont - Ay, Yep
Virginia - Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington - We Have More Rain Than You Do
West Virginia - One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin - Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming - Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada - Prostitutes and Poker!
New Hampshire - Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota - We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio - At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma - Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon - Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal
Rhode Island - We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee - The Edyoocashun State
Texas - Se Hablo Ingles
Utah - Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont - Ay, Yep
Virginia - Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington - We Have More Rain Than You Do
West Virginia - One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin - Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming - Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
Wisdom from the military manual
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force Manual
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant
------ ------ --------- --------- ---------
'Tracers work both ways.' - U. S. Army Ordnance
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
----------- - --- ------ --------- ---------
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Corps Recruit
- ----------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
'If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him!' - USAF Ammo Troop
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.' -SR-71 pilot
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------------
------------ -------------- -------------- -------------
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
------------ --------- ------- -- ---------
'Even with ammunition, the Air Force is just another expensive flying club.'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'What is the similarity between Air Traffic Controllers
(ATC) and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
'Never trade luck for skill.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that? 'Where are we?' And; 'Oh [Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot]!'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
1970
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft , having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?' The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!' - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force Manual
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant
------ ------ --------- --------- ---------
'Tracers work both ways.' - U. S. Army Ordnance
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
----------- - --- ------ --------- ---------
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Corps Recruit
- ----------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
'If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him!' - USAF Ammo Troop
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.' -SR-71 pilot
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------------
------------ -------------- -------------- -------------
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
------------ --------- ------- -- ---------
'Even with ammunition, the Air Force is just another expensive flying club.'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'What is the similarity between Air Traffic Controllers
(ATC) and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
'Never trade luck for skill.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that? 'Where are we?' And; 'Oh [Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot]!'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
1970
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft , having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?' The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!' - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
If you havent seen them go to Youtube...Eli's dirty jokes there are 36 of them
A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"
The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil
by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale
lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.
"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent.
"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must
confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister,
your best friend and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale
lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.
"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent.
"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must
confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister,
your best friend and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
What's the best kind of grass?
Emo grass. It cuts itself.
Emo grass. It cuts itself.
TALKING CLOCK
After closing the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong ?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong . It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock ? Seriously ?' asked his astonished friend..
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work ?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering
pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You @$$h#le, it's three-fifteen in the morning!!!'
After closing the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong ?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong . It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock ? Seriously ?' asked his astonished friend..
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work ?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering
pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You @$$h#le, it's three-fifteen in the morning!!!'
My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the drug store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the drug store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."
To Ponder:
What hair color do they put on the Drivers License of bald men?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Why are they called buildings, when they are already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
What hair color do they put on the Drivers License of bald men?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Why are they called buildings, when they are already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
"About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and asked him to do a favor.
"Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, the friend returns to the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, " So where does the guy go when he leaves?"
The friend looked up, wiping the tears from his eyes, and said,
"Your house."
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
"About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and asked him to do a favor.
"Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, the friend returns to the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, " So where does the guy go when he leaves?"
The friend looked up, wiping the tears from his eyes, and said,
"Your house."
A very tired nurse, walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a
Rectal Thermometer Out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great...
Some asshole's got my pen!'
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a
Rectal Thermometer Out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great...
Some asshole's got my pen!'
:biggrin::biggrin: ^^^^^ I like that one, Cragar!
I'm not about to go back and review every page of this thread, so if this a repost, too bad:
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."
I'm not about to go back and review every page of this thread, so if this a repost, too bad:
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."
I don't get it.
Similar threads
- Sticky
