He had to get married because he got a woman pregnant (at his age). I know, it's kind of an antiquated idea, isn't it?
Joke of the Day
- Thread starter tosugrad
- Start date
He had to get married because he got a woman pregnant (at his age). I know, it's kind of an antiquated idea, isn't it?
He had to get married because he got a woman pregnant (at his age). I know, it's kind of an antiquated idea, isn't it?
Oh! I read the joke as in he was getting married at his age because some young woman was after his money and knew he'd croak at any minute.
~Children writing things about the ocean~
1. This is a picture of an octopus: It has eight testicles. (Kelly- 6)
2. Oyster's balls are called Pearls. (Jerry-6)
3. If you are surrounded by the ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne-7)
4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend anymore. (Kylie-6)
5. A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head.
(Billy-8.)
6. My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
- and comes back with crabs. (Millie-6)
7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William-7)
8. Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really. (Amy-6)
9. I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always cry-
ing, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. ( Helen -6)
10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher-7)
11. When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin-6)
12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky-8.)
13. On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass. ( Bobby-6)
14. The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I
don't know. (Julie-7)
15. My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What
he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my Mom.
(James-7)
1. This is a picture of an octopus: It has eight testicles. (Kelly- 6)
2. Oyster's balls are called Pearls. (Jerry-6)
3. If you are surrounded by the ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne-7)
4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend anymore. (Kylie-6)
5. A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head.
(Billy-8.)
6. My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
- and comes back with crabs. (Millie-6)
7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William-7)
8. Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really. (Amy-6)
9. I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always cry-
ing, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. ( Helen -6)
10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher-7)
11. When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin-6)
12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky-8.)
13. On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass. ( Bobby-6)
14. The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I
don't know. (Julie-7)
15. My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What
he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my Mom.
(James-7)
A man seeking to join a south Texas sheriffs dept. is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six liberal democrats and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six liberal democrats and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
^^^^ OH Jeepers Cragar that's good..... ^^^^^^ :smile:
SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
+++++++++++
SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
+++++++++++
Oh man, these last few jokes were hillarious 
A retiree was an absolute golf fanatic couldn't get enough golf. He obsessed over golf and couldn't stop thinking about it. Finally he decided to fulfill a golf fantasy and fly off to a tropical island with a very reputable golf course where he would play several rounds. When he arrived, the weather was absolutely beautiful; the perfect day for a round of golf.
While waiting for his tee time, he stopped by the bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said he was just about to end his shift so rather than punch up the drink he gave it to the man on the house. This trip was getting better by the moment! Soon after he got the call to tee up, a absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman walked up to him and started to talking to him. She said that her foursome hadn't arrived yet and asked if she could play with him. Since he was playing solo, he jumped at the chance. What a perfect day! Beautiful weather, free drink and now a beautiful woman to golf with.
So they go off to start their round, but by the time they get to the third hole the woman with a seductive eye explains that she's tired of golf and is totally hot for him.
She asks, "Can we skip our round, go back to my place and have wild sex?"
To which the man replies, " Sure, let's go!"
The woman then says, "Ok but before we go, there is one thing I need to tell you. I'm a hooker, is that ok?"
The man looks down, pauses to think a moment and then replies, "Well have you tried adjusting your grip?"
While waiting for his tee time, he stopped by the bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said he was just about to end his shift so rather than punch up the drink he gave it to the man on the house. This trip was getting better by the moment! Soon after he got the call to tee up, a absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman walked up to him and started to talking to him. She said that her foursome hadn't arrived yet and asked if she could play with him. Since he was playing solo, he jumped at the chance. What a perfect day! Beautiful weather, free drink and now a beautiful woman to golf with.
So they go off to start their round, but by the time they get to the third hole the woman with a seductive eye explains that she's tired of golf and is totally hot for him.
She asks, "Can we skip our round, go back to my place and have wild sex?"
To which the man replies, " Sure, let's go!"
The woman then says, "Ok but before we go, there is one thing I need to tell you. I'm a hooker, is that ok?"
The man looks down, pauses to think a moment and then replies, "Well have you tried adjusting your grip?"
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto after many hours on the trail set up the tent, climbed in and both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes up the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent’.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes up the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent’.
I have just had a call from a Charity, asking me to donate some of my clothes to starving Africans.
I told them to bugger off !!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes is not starving :biggrin:
I told them to bugger off !!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes is not starving :biggrin:
Haha. :tongue:
Football Fans
Three football fans were on their way to a game when one
noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female, dead drunk.
Out of respect and propriety, the Georgia fan took off his cap and
placed it over her right breast.
The Tennessee fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, the Gator fan took off his cap and placed it over
her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his
inspection.
First, he lifted up the Georgia cap, replaced it and wrote down some
notes.
Next, he lifted the Tennessee cap, replaced it and wrote down some more
notes.
The officer then lifted the Gator's cap, replaced it, then lifted it
again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced
it one last time.
The Gator fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a
pervert or something?" "Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and
looking?
"Well," said the officer. "I'm confused; normally when I look under a
Gator hat, I find an @$$."
Three football fans were on their way to a game when one
noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female, dead drunk.
Out of respect and propriety, the Georgia fan took off his cap and
placed it over her right breast.
The Tennessee fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, the Gator fan took off his cap and placed it over
her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his
inspection.
First, he lifted up the Georgia cap, replaced it and wrote down some
notes.
Next, he lifted the Tennessee cap, replaced it and wrote down some more
notes.
The officer then lifted the Gator's cap, replaced it, then lifted it
again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced
it one last time.
The Gator fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a
pervert or something?" "Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and
looking?
"Well," said the officer. "I'm confused; normally when I look under a
Gator hat, I find an @$$."
Stolen from a local forum but I laughed so here they are.
***************************
CA NA DUH
Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, happy nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
***************************
CA NA DUH
Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, happy nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
these are great!
laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!!
I went to Home Depot recently, while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to poop yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement #2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the dining room. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that OH CRAP, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot..
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-Gun!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return....
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes . I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Manager claims they're going to have to repaint the store!
I went to Home Depot recently, while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to poop yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement #2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the dining room. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that OH CRAP, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot..
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-Gun!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return....
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes . I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Manager claims they're going to have to repaint the store!
The Bedside Vigil
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right
here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You
know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right
here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You
know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
The Candy With The Little Holes (Lifesavers)
In grade school the children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red....................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange ................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and Yelled, 'Oh my God! They're a$$-holes!'
The teacher had to leave the room!
In grade school the children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red....................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange ................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and Yelled, 'Oh my God! They're a$$-holes!'
The teacher had to leave the room!
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of the vets office. One is a poodle, one a schnauzer and the other a great Dane.
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?" The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I have accidents in the house. My owner says I am very old and sick and he brought me hear to put me to sleep."
The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?" The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time. I've been snapping at people and even bit one of the neighbors kids. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else, so he brought me here to put me to sleep."
The poodle and the schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here? The Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she had dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know, I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself, replied the Dane." The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to be put to sleep?" "Oh, no....., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?" The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I have accidents in the house. My owner says I am very old and sick and he brought me hear to put me to sleep."
The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?" The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time. I've been snapping at people and even bit one of the neighbors kids. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else, so he brought me here to put me to sleep."
The poodle and the schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here? The Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she had dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know, I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself, replied the Dane." The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to be put to sleep?" "Oh, no....., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
I like this one very much :tongue:
A man just got out of surgery and was still in the hospital lying in bed with a breathing machine attached to his mouth. A nurse walks in and checks the breathing machine and makes sure every thing is functioning correctly.
The man says, "Excuse me, nurse. Are my testicles black?"
The nurse looks confused and says, "Excuse me?"
The man says again, "Are my testicles black?"
So the nurse pulls down the covers of the bed, lifts the man's hospital gown and carefully inspects his testicles. When she's done she says, "Nothing seems to be wrong with them and they're definitely not black."
The man smiles, pulls the breathing machine away from his mouth and says, "Thank you, that was nice, but I was asking 'Are my test results back?'"
The man says, "Excuse me, nurse. Are my testicles black?"
The nurse looks confused and says, "Excuse me?"
The man says again, "Are my testicles black?"
So the nurse pulls down the covers of the bed, lifts the man's hospital gown and carefully inspects his testicles. When she's done she says, "Nothing seems to be wrong with them and they're definitely not black."
The man smiles, pulls the breathing machine away from his mouth and says, "Thank you, that was nice, but I was asking 'Are my test results back?'"
An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Good one, I'm gonna email that one to all my military buddies.
During a recent password audit, it was found that some blonde was using
the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that she was told that it
had to be at least eight characters long.
the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that she was told that it
had to be at least eight characters long.
Two Alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment... See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase!!!!
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment... See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase!!!!
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