Joke of the Day

[tosugrad]

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index.

 

[Dtrigg]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 

[queenlives]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

(politically incorrect loud laughing going on here)

 

[Big_D]

PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has Not said a word.

So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block."

 

[Dtrigg]

A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".

He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. If you can satisfy her, you win the money!"

The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".

 

[Dtrigg]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

 

[slamstrom]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

So who won the poetry contest?:biggrin:

 

[davidf]

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the
strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah,' I said, 'she can order for herself.'

 

[White92]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

 

[White92]

Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adan's rib - a surgical procedure." The engineer replied: "before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"

 

[White92]

A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!"
The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"

 

[White92]

A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear.
She says, "Doctor, can you help me? I don't feel well, and I cannot figure out what's wrong."
The doctor replies; "Well my dear you are clearly not eating properly!"

 

[queenlives]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

 

[NSXrebel]

:biggrin: That's a good one!

 

[sca037]

Fair is Fare


A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.


"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex," she said.


The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.


After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.


"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.


"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $55."

 

[steveny]

Guts or Balls ?
>
> There is a medical
> distinction.
> We've all heard about
> people having guts or balls,
> but do you really know
> the difference between them?
> In an effort to keep you
> informed, the definitions are
> listed below:
>
> GUTS
>
> Is arriving home late
> after a night out with
> the guys, being met by
> your wife with a broom,
> and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still
> cleaning,
> or are you flying somewhere?'
>
> BALLS
>
> Is coming home late after
> a night out with the guys,
> smelling of perfume and
> beer, lipstick on your collar,
> slapping your wife on the
> butt and having the balls
> to say: You're next,
> Chubby.'
>
> I hope this clears up any confusion on this matter

 

[NSX-Stalker]

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."


The wife, lying in bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."


The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

 

[gleibig]

Pain transfer

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon
their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new
high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain
to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were

very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that
even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever

experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and

asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch...The doctor then

adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. He was still feeling fine...

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed

at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to
feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain

to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband
had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

 

[tosugrad]

The Wisdom of Older Men

I approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

"Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Would you talk with me for a couple of minutes?", I asked.

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for me, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

I replied, "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere."

 

[gleibig]

I like this one:

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new Pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"


A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time ! I'm putting my f*cking shoes on!"

 

[ChopsJazz]

Concerned that his wife was becoming hard of hearing, the octogenarian sneaked up behind her in the kitchen and whispered, "what's for dinner?" Getting no response he repeated a little louder, "What's for dinner Hon?" Again, hearing no reply he said again, only shouting, "WHAT'S FOR DINNER DEAR?"

This time his wife turned around and said,"For the third time, CHICKEN!"

 

[Dtrigg]

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas.

This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

 

[Dtrigg]

In France, the young assistant priests do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the priest and his housekeeper. One day the priest invited his new young assistant priest to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper.

After the meal was over, the middle-aged priest assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the priest and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you didn't take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father priest, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."

 

[Dtrigg]

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. She replied suggesting that her daughter wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to her neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your sexiest negligee, with a Vee neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.

 

[passline]

Fair is Fare


A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.


"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex," she said.


The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
That's a good one. I had never heard that. hahahah !!! :biggrin::biggrin:

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.


"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.


"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $55."

hahaha !!! :biggrin::biggrin: