Joke of the Day

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

... The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew
it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice
anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear
what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her
face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
 
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground,
certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees
an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks
to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook She has a pencil tucked behind one
ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,

'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,

'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!'


The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is
right.


'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen,
and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich ....

beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.

Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string
attached.


:mad:
 
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man
stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle off red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," the captain said.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
 
So a middle aged woman recieves a late night phone call from a stranger. He says, I hear you have a tight asshole with no hair on it, she replies back, yes he's watching TV, would you like to speak with him.
 
2+2+2=7





Teacher:
If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you
have?

Johnny:
Seven, Sir.

Teacher:
No, listen carefully.

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you
have?

Johnny:
Seven

Teacher:
Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you
have?

Johnny:
Six.
Teacher:
Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny:
Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher:
Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny:
Because,....I've already got a f*****' cat!!!
 
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE




Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter..


10 men and 1 woman.


The rope was not strong enough to carry them all so they decided that one had to let go, otherwise they were all going to fall.


They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.


She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.


As soon as she finished her speech,


All the men started clapping . . .
 
New Newfie pickup line -

New Newfie Pickup Line

A Newfie was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside
him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe."

She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"

He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk."



And if you do not know what a "Newfie" is...... it's a derogatory term for a fellow from Newfoundland.
 
A reporter did a human interest piece on the local Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him "Why do you carry a 45?"

The Ranger responded, "Because I couldn't find a 46."



The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm.

"Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?"

He promptly replied, "No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun."


I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house?

I said I did.

She said, "Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!"

To which I said, "Of course it is loaded; it can't work without bullets!"

She then asked, "Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?"

My reply was, "No, not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers and they are all loaded too."
 
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,bearded man is standing there.

"Names Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5.00."

"Great" says Tom "after six months out here i'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking."

"Not a problem" says Tom "after 25 years in the business, i can drink with the best of em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. " More'n likely gonna be some fighting too."

"Well, I get along with people,i'll be alright...I'll be there. Thanks again".

"More'n likely be some wild sex too",

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there..... By the way, what should i wear?"


"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us".
 
Well I guess it is now officially Christmas season, so let the Yuletide jokes roll:


A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve
and the mall was packed.

Walking through the mall, the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband
was nowhere around. She was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She then used her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, "Honey, remember the jewelry
store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond
necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for
you one day?"

His wife said crying, "Yes I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar next to it."
 
:biggrin:


At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent
researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our
lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our
experiments?"

"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you
switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are
far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so
attached to them. And third, there are some things even a
rat won't do."
 
Afghan quarterback

Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"


"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”
 
A union shop-steward walks into a bar next door to the
factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he
sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in
front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a
Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone
can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the
Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him,
then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union shop-steward.

The union man once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the
Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican.
He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union shop-steward once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the
Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican.
He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The shop-steward asks the bartender, "What the <bleep> is the matter with that Republican?
I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dude does is smile and thanks me.
Is he nuts?"




"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
 
An older gentleman was visiting the grave of his dearly departed wife when he heard an anguished young man on his knees shouting "Why'd you have to die?" at another grave a short distance away. The older gentleman thought he'd offer some comfort to the younger man and went and laid his hand on the younger man's shoulder. "Young man, I can't help but notice how deep your grief runs.", the older gentleman said. "Tell me, how recently did your wife pass away?" "The younger man looked up and said "My wife isn't dead. This is the grave of her first husband...".

- - - Updated - - -

- - - Updated - - -

A blind man walks into a bar....

Three midgets walk under a bar....

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....
 
Last edited:
T'is The Season



First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
 
OFFICE PARTY

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2012

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!


Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty



Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty



Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F...... Employees
DATE: October 5, 2012
RE: The F****** Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you ****** wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!



Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan
 

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