lol this got me cracking up.
Joke of the Day
- Thread starter tosugrad
- Start date
lol this got me cracking up.
A baby seal walks into a club...
booo, but hilarious.
At a wedding reception recently, The DJ asked,
"All the married men, please stand next to the one
person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was crushed to death.
"All the married men, please stand next to the one
person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was crushed to death.
A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long. She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
Speaking of golf...
So a very loving and dedicated housewife was bored and decided to pick up a hobby since she had nothing to do for several hours of the day while her husband was out at work. Since her husband was a fan of golf, she thought she’d pick up the sport so they could play together. She signed up to take some lessons with a local pro instructor.
On the first day, she was a bit nervous. The instructor told her to go ahead and pick up a driver and hit the ball as best as she could to analyze her swing. She picked up her club, swung as hard as she could and whiffed the ball.
The instructor told her to relax and try again. Again she tensed up and swung. This time she hit the ball but it popped straight up and landed right back where it started.
The instructor studied her swing and said, “Ok, I see you are really nervous. The main problem is that you are gripping the club way to tightly. You just need to gently hold the club and give it a nice easy swing. One visualization I give wives is, just pretend you are holding your husband’s penis. Grip the club in the same way you would hold your husband’s penis.”
With this new knowledge she picked up the club again and swung again. This time the she smacks the ball at it goes 300 yards straight and true.
The instructor exclaims, “That’s great! Now we’ll just have to get that club out of your mouth!”
So a very loving and dedicated housewife was bored and decided to pick up a hobby since she had nothing to do for several hours of the day while her husband was out at work. Since her husband was a fan of golf, she thought she’d pick up the sport so they could play together. She signed up to take some lessons with a local pro instructor.
On the first day, she was a bit nervous. The instructor told her to go ahead and pick up a driver and hit the ball as best as she could to analyze her swing. She picked up her club, swung as hard as she could and whiffed the ball.
The instructor told her to relax and try again. Again she tensed up and swung. This time she hit the ball but it popped straight up and landed right back where it started.
The instructor studied her swing and said, “Ok, I see you are really nervous. The main problem is that you are gripping the club way to tightly. You just need to gently hold the club and give it a nice easy swing. One visualization I give wives is, just pretend you are holding your husband’s penis. Grip the club in the same way you would hold your husband’s penis.”
With this new knowledge she picked up the club again and swung again. This time the she smacks the ball at it goes 300 yards straight and true.
The instructor exclaims, “That’s great! Now we’ll just have to get that club out of your mouth!”
Re: Joke of the Day......and that's how the fight started
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started......
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point..
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started......
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point..
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
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Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
ONE MONTH BUMP:
Nag Nag Nag
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.' And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Nag Nag Nag
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.' And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
9 Months later!!!
Jim decided to go skiing with his buddy, Steve. So they loaded up Jim's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a big nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jim said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jim got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He Dropped in on his friend Steve and asked, "Steve, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." Said Steve……
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Steve said, a little embarrassed about being found out. I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Steve's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything!"
Jim decided to go skiing with his buddy, Steve. So they loaded up Jim's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a big nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jim said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jim got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He Dropped in on his friend Steve and asked, "Steve, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." Said Steve……
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Steve said, a little embarrassed about being found out. I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Steve's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything!"
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses."
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean...
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
He replied, "She is called Five Horses."
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean...
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, and two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, and two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone."
Cletus & Billy Bob
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in
front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off
first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets
his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid
shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the
T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya
doing, Billy Bob ?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor."
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in
front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off
first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets
his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid
shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the
T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya
doing, Billy Bob ?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor."
Ok, so the other day, I found this unique magic lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie popped out and said I could chose between having incredible memory, or a giant penis. I can't for the life of me remember which one I picked.
lol
A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windshield. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, "My what a big insect!", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that big."
DEAF WIFE
A husband feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"FRANK, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
A husband feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"FRANK, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
IMPORTANT RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
>1. Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
>2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
>3. Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
>4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
>5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then, neither does milk.
>1. Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
>2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
>3. Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
>4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
>5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then, neither does milk.
Storm Warning
I just got off the phone with friend living in North Dakota near the
Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has
been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is
dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale
force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window
and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let
her in.
I just got off the phone with friend living in North Dakota near the
Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has
been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is
dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale
force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window
and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let
her in.
After a visit to a massage parlor, a man discovers a painful lump on his
willy, so he goes to see his GP.
'I'm afraid this is serious,' the doctor says after examining him. 'You know
how rugby players get cauliflower ear?'
'Yes,' the man replies shakily.
'Well,' the doctor continues, 'you've got a brothel sprout.'
willy, so he goes to see his GP.
'I'm afraid this is serious,' the doctor says after examining him. 'You know
how rugby players get cauliflower ear?'
'Yes,' the man replies shakily.
'Well,' the doctor continues, 'you've got a brothel sprout.'
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,
but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time
I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle
of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice
and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball
lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and
again I play the ball towards his voice."
But, "how do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the
ball toward his voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a
problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for
that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,
but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time
I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle
of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice
and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball
lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and
again I play the ball towards his voice."
But, "how do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the
ball toward his voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a
problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for
that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."
The Scottish Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door in Bearsden and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.
...
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave
it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as
she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went
upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,
but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer, The Law Firm
of Randy, Charlie and No One Else
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
The madam opened the brothel door in Bearsden and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.
...
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave
it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as
she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went
upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,
but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer, The Law Firm
of Randy, Charlie and No One Else
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Be Strong Honey. I Love You Too!!
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15
years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out
of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife
to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then
gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in
years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how
much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he
gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
In my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if
We had any KY jelly. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong
honey. I love you, too!"
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15
years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out
of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife
to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then
gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in
years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how
much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he
gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
In my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if
We had any KY jelly. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong
honey. I love you, too!"
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