Joke of the Day

[sca037]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.



Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.



I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

 

[gleibig]

Santa's Bad Day
The Birth of a Tradition

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully,

"Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"


Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.







MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

[Shaun Ray]

Two cannibals are in the middle of eating a clown.

One cannibal looks at the other and says “does this taste funny?”. :smile:

 

[White92]

Some friends decide to go golfing this coming Saturday. They decide to meet at 10:00 am sharp. Bill says he'll be there, but might be 6 minutes late.

Saturday comes and Bill is there right on time at 10:00 am. He plays right handed and easily beats everyone.

They decide to plan an outing for the following Saturday again at 10:00 am. Again, Bill says that he'll be there, but might be 6 minutes late.

Saturday morning comes and Bill is there right on time at 10:00 am. This time he plays left handed and still easily beats everybody.

This goes on and on for every Saturday morning for months before one of his friends finally asks him, "Bill, we've been playing every Saturday at 10:00 am for awhile now. You always say you might be 6 minutes late, usually show up on time, play left or right handed and still beat all of us. What gives?"

"I'm a pretty superstitious man. When I wake up in the morning, I look over at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left handed that day. If she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right handed that day.”

A friend asks, “What happens if she’s sleeping on her back?”

“That’s when I’m 6 minutes late!”

 

[davidf]

Talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

 

[gleibig]

Scientists recently discovered that beer contains small traces of female hormones. This was proven by giving 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that an astonishing percentage, 100%, started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.

 

[SFNSXguy]

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family/friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well a few days ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had several glasses of beer/cocktails. Although I was feeling a little too jolly, but I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage. I don't know what to do with it and if anyone has any ideas please let me know.

Happy Holidays to you all.

 

[Venom2049]

I don't know if this would be consider a joke but it's quite funny. So I just updated my Galaxy Samsung S3 to the new OS. I decided to us the new Google search bar and noticed that Google decided to select the embassy of Mexico as home. I mean im latin but not mexican, I wouldn't be surprised if my they already put baja freshh or chipotle as my fav restaurants lol.

 

[gleibig]

THE COWBOY ANIMAL WHISPERER



Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down
often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

 

[gleibig]

Capitalization



In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement: "Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

 

[Alittleboost]

A Dad is sitting at home wondering why his son is taking so long to walk home from school.

As the son walks in the Dad asks him "what took you so long today?" the Son replies "Sorry dad, I helping our neighbor Jessica on her math homework".

After a long day the son walks over to the kitchen counter and starts pounding down donuts like he hasn't eaten all day.

The Dad being suspicious asks him "Whats wrong didn't eat all day?!" the son replies "I did, but man these are good fish cakes!".....then dad told him "Son go wash your hands"

 

[Ric]

She, being the romantic sort, sends her lover a text......

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you - xxx."



He, being the typical romantic GDC'er replies...

"I'm taking a dump. What should I do?"

 

[queenlives]

blonde medical terminology


Artery -- Study of paintings

Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria

Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarean section -- District in Rome

Cat scan -- Searching for kitty

Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her

Colic -- Sheep dog

Coma -- A punctuation mark

Congenital -- Friendly

D&C -- Where Washington is

Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events

Dilate -- To live long

Enema -- Not a friend

Fester -- Quicker

Fibula -- A small lie

G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game

Hangnail -- Coathook

Impotent -- Distinguished, well known

Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee

Labor pain -- Got hurt at work

Medical staff -- Doctor's cane

Morbid -- Higher offer

Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate

Node -- Was aware of

Outpatient -- Person who had fainted

Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis

Post operative -- Letter carrier

Protein -- Favoring young people

Rectum -- It almost killed him

Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- Amorous

Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion -- Hiding anything

Seizure -- Roman emperor

Serology -- Study of knighthood

Tablet -- Small table

Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport

Tibia -- Country in North Africa

Tumor -- An extra pair

Urine -- Opposite of you're out

Varicose -- Located nearby

Vein -- Conceited

 

[gleibig]

SNOW PROBLEM

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband
and wife in Ontonagon were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going
to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even-numbered
side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast
again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow
today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered
side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car
again.
The next week they are again having
breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches
of snow today.

You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a
worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do.. Which side of
the street do I need to park on so the snowplough can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his
voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the damn car in the garage this time?"

 

[gleibig]

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $450.00 is the 'standard rate,' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the woman, "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous . "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."



"That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.

"Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have."



Don't mess with Senior Citizens!

 

[sca037]

At a wine merchants, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.



A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.


The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.


He gave him a glass to drink.


The drunk tried it and said:


"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable."



"That's correct", said the boss.


Another glass....


"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."



"Correct."


A third glass...


''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive", calmly said the drunk.



The director was astonished.


He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.


She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.


The alcoholic tried it.


"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

 

[alum04org]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

 

[davidf]

I hope no ones offened by this joke.
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned. I masturbated thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers

 

[alum04org]

One day, while fishing...

Three anglers were boating on the lake one day when Jesus walked across the water and joined them. When the flabbergasted fishermen regained their composure, one of them humbly said to Jesus, “I suffer with tremendous back pain from a shrapnel wound I got in Vietnam. Can you help me?”
“Of course,” Jesus responded. With that, he touched the fellow’s back and all pain was relieved.
The second guy, wearing extremely thick glasses, asked Jesus if he could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus nodded, removed the guy’s glasses, and tossed them into the water. Just like that, the man had perfect vision.
Jesus then turned to the third guy, who blurted out, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

 

[sca037]

Report on Crow Kills.

Well, it is not a pretty story.... about 200 dead crows near Boston, and there was concern for Avian Flu.
They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The city then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.
The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

 

[gleibig]

 

[gleibig]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders


EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

- - - Updated - - -

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

[Vega$ NSX]

So this gay deer walks out of a bar looking bummed and says, "Dang, I can't believe I just blew fifty bucks!"

 

[V.Lats97nsx]

Hurricane snooki is getting bad, fortunately its just blowing all dudes on the east coast.

 

[alum04org]

Thread RINSE !

Ron Jeremy was just bussed to the hospital.