And way more testicles! :smile:
Joke of the Day
- Thread starter tosugrad
- Start date
And way more testicles! :smile:
My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the signs were there.
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One Day, Bubba's Boss says, Bubba, when we are out together, how come to speak to everybody you see. Because I know everybody Boss. There is no way you can know everybody Bubba, nobody knows everybody. I do, if you don't believe me, just name someone you don't believe I could know, and I'll prove that I personally know anyone you name.
You don't know Tom Cruise Bubba. Oh yes I do, infact, me and Tommy are good friends. Come on, we can drive over to his house and I'll introduce you to him. So they drive over to Tom house and Bubba knocks on the door. Tom opens the door and looking surprised says, Hey Bubba how the heck you been, come on in and catch me up on what you been up to.
After the visit the Boss says man, I can't believe you knew Tom Cruise. I told you Boss I know everybody. I bet you don't know President Obama. Boss, I used to be a grounds keeper at Columbia University when he attended and I know him well. Come on we can go say hello. The two of them are wondering around the White House and Bubba is asking everyone where the oval office is. When they walk past it, Obama comes running out and says, Bubba, is that you. I haven't seen you since my college days. Come on in and lets visit. Unbelievable Bubba, I can't believe you knew the president. I told you Boss, I know everybody. There is no way you can know the Pope Bubba. I was raised Roman Catholic Boss. I know him too.
So, they go to the Vatican where the pope is scheduled to give a speach and they are standing in the crowd amoungst thousands. Bubba says Boss, the Pope is gonna come out on that balcony, but I don't think he can see me from way up there. I tell you what. I know all the Pope's security people, and I'm sure it will be ok If I just walk out with the Pope. If I do that, would that be proof enough. Yes it would, IF you come out with the Pope I'll believe you. A while later the Pope walks out and just has Bubba had said he standiong right next to the Pope. The Pope is giving his speach and Bubba is trying to make eye contact with his Boss in the crowd. He notices a group of EMT's standing around the location he had left his Boss. Panicked that something is wrong he goes back only to see his Boss just comming around after passing out and he says, Boss, are you ok, what happened. Well Bubba I've got to tell you I was mighty shocked when I saw you walk out on that balcony, but it was more than I could stand when the lady standing next to me said, Who's that man on the balcony standing next to Bubba.
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I put fertilizer on the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case....time for another beer!
At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the signs were there.
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One Day, Bubba's Boss says, Bubba, when we are out together, how come to speak to everybody you see. Because I know everybody Boss. There is no way you can know everybody Bubba, nobody knows everybody. I do, if you don't believe me, just name someone you don't believe I could know, and I'll prove that I personally know anyone you name.
You don't know Tom Cruise Bubba. Oh yes I do, infact, me and Tommy are good friends. Come on, we can drive over to his house and I'll introduce you to him. So they drive over to Tom house and Bubba knocks on the door. Tom opens the door and looking surprised says, Hey Bubba how the heck you been, come on in and catch me up on what you been up to.
After the visit the Boss says man, I can't believe you knew Tom Cruise. I told you Boss I know everybody. I bet you don't know President Obama. Boss, I used to be a grounds keeper at Columbia University when he attended and I know him well. Come on we can go say hello. The two of them are wondering around the White House and Bubba is asking everyone where the oval office is. When they walk past it, Obama comes running out and says, Bubba, is that you. I haven't seen you since my college days. Come on in and lets visit. Unbelievable Bubba, I can't believe you knew the president. I told you Boss, I know everybody. There is no way you can know the Pope Bubba. I was raised Roman Catholic Boss. I know him too.
So, they go to the Vatican where the pope is scheduled to give a speach and they are standing in the crowd amoungst thousands. Bubba says Boss, the Pope is gonna come out on that balcony, but I don't think he can see me from way up there. I tell you what. I know all the Pope's security people, and I'm sure it will be ok If I just walk out with the Pope. If I do that, would that be proof enough. Yes it would, IF you come out with the Pope I'll believe you. A while later the Pope walks out and just has Bubba had said he standiong right next to the Pope. The Pope is giving his speach and Bubba is trying to make eye contact with his Boss in the crowd. He notices a group of EMT's standing around the location he had left his Boss. Panicked that something is wrong he goes back only to see his Boss just comming around after passing out and he says, Boss, are you ok, what happened. Well Bubba I've got to tell you I was mighty shocked when I saw you walk out on that balcony, but it was more than I could stand when the lady standing next to me said, Who's that man on the balcony standing next to Bubba.
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I put fertilizer on the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case....time for another beer!
A guy gets pulled over by the State Police. The officer walks up to the window and says "Sir, do you realize you were doing 75 in a 65?"
The guy replies "No, sir. I wasn't doing one mph over 65." To which his wife leans over and yells "he was actually doing 80. I told him to slow down. He drives like a maniac all the time."
The officer says "well Sir, actually the reason I pulled you over is that your tail light is out."
To which the guy replies, "I was not aware of that. I will get it fixed right away." His wife leans over an yells, "he's lying, it's been broken for three months. I told him to fix it. Does he listen to me? No....."
The guy gets pissed off and turns to his wife and says "shut up. sit there and don't say another word. All you do is get me in trouble. Now sit there, and keep your God damn mouth shut!"
The officer says "mam... I'm sorry. Does he always talk to you that way?" To which she sniffles and says, "No.... Only when he's drunk."
The guy replies "No, sir. I wasn't doing one mph over 65." To which his wife leans over and yells "he was actually doing 80. I told him to slow down. He drives like a maniac all the time."
The officer says "well Sir, actually the reason I pulled you over is that your tail light is out."
To which the guy replies, "I was not aware of that. I will get it fixed right away." His wife leans over an yells, "he's lying, it's been broken for three months. I told him to fix it. Does he listen to me? No....."
The guy gets pissed off and turns to his wife and says "shut up. sit there and don't say another word. All you do is get me in trouble. Now sit there, and keep your God damn mouth shut!"
The officer says "mam... I'm sorry. Does he always talk to you that way?" To which she sniffles and says, "No.... Only when he's drunk."
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A young yuppie couple were out antiquing in the country. As they were driving down the road, a rabbit ran in front of the car.
Before they could react they hit the rabbit so they stopped to see if it was dead. As they looked at the smashed rabbit the guy asked what they should do. The wife said that she had an idea, she went to the car and came back with a spray can.
She then sprayed it on the rabbit. After a few seconds the rabbit started to twitch, the rabbits body then puffed up to its full size, the rabbit then got to its feet and waved at them The rabbit hopped about 5 feet then waved again, the rabbit would hop about 5 feet then wave. It did this until it was out of sight. The guy asked "What was in the can"? The wife answered "Hair Spray" It says right here on the can Revives flat lifeless hair, restores body and installs permanent wave.
Before they could react they hit the rabbit so they stopped to see if it was dead. As they looked at the smashed rabbit the guy asked what they should do. The wife said that she had an idea, she went to the car and came back with a spray can.
She then sprayed it on the rabbit. After a few seconds the rabbit started to twitch, the rabbits body then puffed up to its full size, the rabbit then got to its feet and waved at them The rabbit hopped about 5 feet then waved again, the rabbit would hop about 5 feet then wave. It did this until it was out of sight. The guy asked "What was in the can"? The wife answered "Hair Spray" It says right here on the can Revives flat lifeless hair, restores body and installs permanent wave.
The Sensuous Wife
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage
and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into
her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen $40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really, really intrigued.
"Go look in the garage..."
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage
and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into
her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen $40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really, really intrigued.
"Go look in the garage..."
A man invited a buddy back home for dinner.
When they get home, his wife, upset at not being notified begins
yelling at him.......
"I haven't done my hair, not to mention my make up!!.......
I haven't done any cleanup, let alone the dishes!!!......
Besides, I'm not interested in doing any cooking!!!!.......
Why the Hell did you invite him?"
The man replies......
" 'Cause he's thinking of getting married."
When they get home, his wife, upset at not being notified begins
yelling at him.......
"I haven't done my hair, not to mention my make up!!.......
I haven't done any cleanup, let alone the dishes!!!......
Besides, I'm not interested in doing any cooking!!!!.......
Why the Hell did you invite him?"
The man replies......
" 'Cause he's thinking of getting married."
lol...
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count sample as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--
first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand,
but still nothing..
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out,
still nothing.
'She even called up Arlene, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,
but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
that dern jar open!
Doctor for a sperm count sample as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--
first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand,
but still nothing..
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out,
still nothing.
'She even called up Arlene, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,
but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
that dern jar open!
Grocery store
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
(If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.)
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
(If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.)
At the old folk's home the guys all chipped in and got a hooker for one of the resident's 90th birthday. At the party, the hooker asks the birthday boy "Hey, Tiger, you want some super sex?"
The old man looks her up and down and says "What kind of soup?"
The old man looks her up and down and says "What kind of soup?"
The old woman
She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. As she stood
there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying,
"hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said,
"no, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now,"
and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector - not wanting to get her toe blown off -
started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the
large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said,
"son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
"no ma'am... But... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
1 - Never be Arrogant.
2 - Don't Waste Ammunition.
3 - Whiskey Makes You Think You're Smarter Than You Are.
4 - Always, Always Make Sure You Know Who Has The Power.
5 - Don't Mess With Old Women; They Didn't Get Old By Being Stupid...
She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. As she stood
there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying,
"hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said,
"no, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now,"
and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector - not wanting to get her toe blown off -
started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the
large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said,
"son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
"no ma'am... But... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
1 - Never be Arrogant.
2 - Don't Waste Ammunition.
3 - Whiskey Makes You Think You're Smarter Than You Are.
4 - Always, Always Make Sure You Know Who Has The Power.
5 - Don't Mess With Old Women; They Didn't Get Old By Being Stupid...
Reason for the break-up
The young salesman finally plucked up the courage to tell his fiancee that
he was breaking off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can" asked the distraught fiancee?
"Not even on her best day" replied the salesman!
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do"?
"No, she's broke", the salesman said in agreement.
"Well then, is this all about 'relations' " cried out the devastated woman?
"No, nobody does it like you babe", assured the salesman.
"Then what is it" she screamed? "What can she do that I can't"?
The salesman sighed, took a deep breath, looked his ex-fiancee straight in
the eyes and said: "She can sue me for child support".
And then it hit him...
...the four slice toaster.... :biggrin:
The young salesman finally plucked up the courage to tell his fiancee that
he was breaking off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can" asked the distraught fiancee?
"Not even on her best day" replied the salesman!
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do"?
"No, she's broke", the salesman said in agreement.
"Well then, is this all about 'relations' " cried out the devastated woman?
"No, nobody does it like you babe", assured the salesman.
"Then what is it" she screamed? "What can she do that I can't"?
The salesman sighed, took a deep breath, looked his ex-fiancee straight in
the eyes and said: "She can sue me for child support".
And then it hit him...
...the four slice toaster.... :biggrin:
You can see who gets Maxim around here
I don't know where else to put this, but the last time the Toronto Maple Leafs were in a playoff game, the NSX was still in production.
^^LOL, Not a joke, but funny
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A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,
“No! No! Don't enter that church, you fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our wedding video.”
———————————————————————
I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
That spider never knew what hit it.
“No! No! Don't enter that church, you fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our wedding video.”
———————————————————————
I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
That spider never knew what hit it.
A COWBOY TOMBSTONE :
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life.
Russell J. Larsen had these inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah .
He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life.
Russell J. Larsen had these inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah .
He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Another test to see how you think.
What is it that a man does standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does with one leg raised?
.......................
............
.....
..
(shake hands)
What is it that a man does standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does with one leg raised?
.......................
............
.....
..
(shake hands)
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was
OK to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her,
"Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It
is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next
please!"
However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was
OK to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her,
"Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It
is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next
please!"
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen
Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen
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