Joke of the Day

Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way. Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig' . The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie. Then his car hit the pig.



Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off. Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' What did he look like?, the sergeant asked. 'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.



A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.

Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO', the young lady yelled back, 'IT's A SCARF!'
 
When i went to europe i asked my friend what cars they like to have, he answered: Here in europe we dont buy anything that starts with a "F" fiats, fords and french cars.
 
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.

"Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife.

"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."
 
I fixed it for you. :smile:

Dtrigg said:
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Hal's wife.

"Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"Well you're 75 years old now, Hal, why don't you take my brother Doug along?" suggested his wife.

"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Hal.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.

The next day Hal teed off with Doug looking on. Hal swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Hal.

"Yup," Doug answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Hal, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."
Click to expand...
 
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Hal's wife.

"Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"Well you're 75 years old now, Hal, why don't you take my brother Doug along?" suggested his wife.

"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Hal.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.

The next day Hal teed off with Doug looking on. Hal swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Hal.

"Yup," Doug answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Hal, peering off into the distance.

Hal turned to see why Doug hadn't answered him and there was Doug at the club house chatting up a 25 year old hottie. ;)
 
LOL:biggrin::biggrin:

I laughed so hard I dropped my bed pan.:mad:
 
You guys wouldn't make fun of Hal and myself if you knew some of the things we have to contend with when you get to be our age.

"Old" is when...

...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.

...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
 
Hal and I were strolling along not too long ago, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Hal turns to me and says,"Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too."

I smiled and said, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?"

Hal said, "You're going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?"

I grinned again, "Well now, Hal, sounds like a rose to me..."

"Yes, yes, that's it!" cried Hal, then he calls ahead to his wife...

"Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"
 
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture.

He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.

"Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," replied his father. "The bull just screwed the brown cow!"

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside.

"Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull "surprised" the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull "surprises" the white cow."

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy!" "Yes, son. Did the bull "surprise" the white cow?"

"He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!"
 
A little girl asks her Mom, "May I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No honey, the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you".

Her Dad said, "Bring Susie over here".

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block". The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Her Dad asks, "Where's Susie?"

The girl replies, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there's another dog pushing her home!
 
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A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
 
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a fantastic job, but your being late so often is bothersome. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General. Coffee this morning, sir?'"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.
The little girl was softly sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going
to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said,
"I'm here for a urine test."
 
It is the month of August, a resort town sits next to the shores of a
lake. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted.

It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel,
lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the
rooms upstairs in order to pick a room. The hotel proprietor takes
the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The
Butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig
raiser. The pig raiser takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his
debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel
takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's
prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar
bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when
she brought her clients there. The hotel proprietor then lays the 100
dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not
suspect anything. At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after
inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that
he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town. No one earned
anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to
the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business!


That "Rich Guy" is actually our trusted politician that cooked up this whole scheme and planned on sleeping with his "Domestic Partner" all along.

Like Paul Harvey sez....................And now you know the REST of the story!
 
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.
 
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart!"
 
These are great Doug! Are you guys sitting around during craft time at "the home" swapping stories again? I forwarded these to my dad. I'll call him later and read them outloud to him.
 
White92 said:
These are great Doug! Are you guys sitting around during craft time at "the home" swapping stories again? I forwarded these to my dad. I'll call him later and read them outloud to him.
Click to expand...

Well Craig, most of these are personal observations and experiences here at "the home."
 
again - i'm laughing so hard my eyes are watering (or is that from my diet?!).

sorry i've been away from this the past few days... it's been busy around the ranch and my keyboard time has been very limited.

gotta say, these are very, very funny!

doug, make sure you clean that bed pan before you serve the soup tonight :eek:
 
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
 
One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.

Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky.

All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.

"Whats wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out".

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"

"Yes" replied the girl.

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. "No" replied the boy, "I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!"
 

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