Joke of the Day

The power of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders upm the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out..

The bar goes wild.. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos..

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and
kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

He should have quit while he was a head.
 
How is nitrous oxide in your NSX like a hot chick with an STD?
































You’re afraid of the outcome but you still want to hit it. :eek::eek:
 
THE LOCAL PUB

'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><ST1:place w:st="on">Glasgow</ST1:place></st1:City> there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'

'Ahhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in <st1:City w:st="on"><ST1:place w:st="on">Dublin</ST1:place></st1:City> there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true. 'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to me sister.'<O:p></O:p>
 
**History 101**

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed
version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals, and 2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting forthem to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.

Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women.
The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy Liberal
achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group
therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how
to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and
still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the
military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is
why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and
created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other
true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.
 
Scientists create a robot, an indestructible sex machine, capable of sexually satisfying any woman beyond her wildest dreams.
To test it, they decide to find out what kind of woman is the neediest in bed, so they bring in three girls - a brunette, a redhead and a blonde - and take them to three different rooms.
The robot first goes in with the brunette and he's in there for an hour, two, three and she comes running out yelling "Oh my God, I can't do this anymore, it was too much."
They send the robot in with the redhead and he's in there for three, five, eight hours, and out comes the redhead saying "Geez, I can not endure any more of this thing".
Finally the robot goes to see the blonde, stays in there for ten, fifteen, twenty hours, the whole day, and here he comes running out, and right behind him the blonde is running covered up with a towel, yelling "Oh, but you've got enough batteries to be running away..."
 
One day as President Clinton was getting off Marine One helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.''

The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.''

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir.'''









Semper Fidelis
 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.' :smile:
 
ALSWEL said:
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.' :smile:
Click to expand...

haha omg.
 
A husband and wife were celebrating their wedding anniversary. This year, the wife decided she's do something real nice just for the hubby and so she buys him all new golf stuff and books them both a tea time at a great course..

So they're playing golf and at one point, the woman hits the ball into the woods and as they lose sight of it, they hear the sound of shattering glass. They quickly run down there to check it out and find an old cabin with a broken window. The door to the cabin was open so they decide to go in and apologize. Inside, they find a man standing in the living room and next to him, a broken lamp.
They start apologizing but the man interrupts them:
- "Do not apologize to me, I am the ghost from the lamp. I need to be thanking you for releasing me after a 1000 years of being trapped in that damn thing. Better yet, I will grant you each a wish."
The couple is ecstatic and the husband decides he wants their house to be a mansion and to have all the cars he's ever wanted right there in the garage.
- "No problem, it's done!", says the ghost, as he snaps his finger. "Now, what would you like madam?".
- "I'd like our family to have a fortune so we can be happy for the rest of our lives" she says.
- "No problem." The ghost snaps his finger and says it's done!
- "Now," says the ghost, "you have freed me and in return I have given you everything you want, but there is another favor I'd like to ask of you. If you help me out, I will later grant you another two wishes! It's been a 1000 years and I'd really like to get some, and you ma'am are beautiful. Would you mind spending an hour in bed with me?"
The couple talk about this and given they are rich and happy, they decide it's definitely worth it so they accept the offer.
After an hour of pounding the lady, the ghost turns to her and asks:
- "So, would you mind telling me how old you are?"
- "36" she says.
And the ghost replies:
- "Really???? And you still believe in ghosts?"
 
"Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Fred declared.

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty

years I've never laughed at a patient."


"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing

the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it

couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.


Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost

fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to

regain her composure .


"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me.

On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.

Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"


"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Things went downhill from there.
 
For the Comp Sci guys!

Why do Computer Science students think Christmas and Halloween are on the same day?


Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
 
*GROWING OLDER IN FLORIDA*

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper too, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny apiece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
********************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says. "Why did they put you in prison?"
He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single...?"
********************************
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, seated across from one another. As the meal progressed, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will!"
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
********************************
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
********************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to his doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. After a couple of days, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful'," Morris replied. To which the doctor replied, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'"
********************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper,' an ice cream parlor in Naples, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "hemorrhoids."
 
Bob walks into a bar and the bartender comes right up to him, says whatcha want and Bob replies:
- "Give me one, give everyone one and get you something as well."
Everybody drinks and Bob says "I have no money", so the bartender proceeds to beat his ass.
Regardless, Bob shows up the next day and again says:
- "Give me one, give everyone one and get you something as well."
They all drink but he's got no money again, so the bartender roughs him up again.
On the third day that Bob showed up he said:
- "Give me one, give everyone one but you don't get nothing today, barkeep. You are mean when you drink!"
 
At school the teacher asks the class to use the word "Contagious" in a sentence.

Betty, Fred and Little Johnnie put up their hands.

The teacher asks Betty for her example. Betty says "My brother got chicken pox and they were contagious".

"Very Good" says the teacher "Anyone else?"

Fred and Little Johnnie put up their hands.

The teacher asks Fred for his example. Fred says "My friend told a joke and the laughter was contagious"

"Very Good" says the teacher "Anyone else?"

Little Johnnie puts up his hand again and this time there is nobody else. Knowing Little Johnnie to be a trouble maker, the teacher says "OK Johnnie, but first you have to tell me how you plan to use it."

Little Johnnie says "Well, yesterday I saw my neighbor - Mrs Thompson - cutting the hedge with a pair of scissors"

Intrigued, the teacher says "Ok, but what has that got to do with contagious?"

Little Johnnie says "I don't know, but when my Dad looked out the window and saw Mrs Thompson he said:

"It's going to take that c*nt ages to finish that bush"

Schools out!
 
Monica Lewinsky walks into a drycleaners and says to the person working there, “I’d like to have this stain removed from my shirt.”
But the guy working there is hard of hearing and says, “Come again?”
And she says, “No, this time it’s ice cream!”
 
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick", shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do"?

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination". says Sister Helen .

Sister Marilyn switches the wipers on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what"? shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross", says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking", says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts.....

"GET THE F*CK OFF THE CAR!!!!!!!"
 
Don't mess with rednecks

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and Neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters And BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, The host said, 'I have a 10 foot Man-eating gator in my pool And I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

The words were Barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned Around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and Kicking the snot out of it! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing Punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and Flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and Splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and Raising cain.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to The top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.

The rich Man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How About half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you Something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some Stock options?' Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy Said, 'I want the name of the....... A Hole...... who pushed me in the Pool!'
 

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