Q: How can you tell the difference between an Anal and Oral thermometer?
A: By taste! :redface:
A: By taste! :redface:
Joke of the Day
- Thread starter tosugrad
- Start date
A bad joke
A man retires after 30 years with the LA Post Office and decides to move to the country to get away from people.
After six months he decides to go to the local general store where he meets his nearest neighbor who lives 10 miles away.
After a short conversation the neighbor invites the postman over for party he is throwing that evening.
The postman asks "What happens at these parties?"
The neighbor replies "A little eatin, a little drinkin, some dancin, some fightin and probably some sex".
The postman is quite interested and asks "What time does the party start?".
The neighbor replies "Any time you want, it's just you and me."
A man retires after 30 years with the LA Post Office and decides to move to the country to get away from people.
After six months he decides to go to the local general store where he meets his nearest neighbor who lives 10 miles away.
After a short conversation the neighbor invites the postman over for party he is throwing that evening.
The postman asks "What happens at these parties?"
The neighbor replies "A little eatin, a little drinkin, some dancin, some fightin and probably some sex".
The postman is quite interested and asks "What time does the party start?".
The neighbor replies "Any time you want, it's just you and me."
The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
You know there are really only three lawyer jokes, all the rest are true stories. :biggrin:
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
A girl asked her blond friend stick her head out the window and let her know if her blinker was working.... "yes, no, yes, no, yes...."
A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"
^^^ :biggrin:
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages
1. English I Love You
2. Spanish Te Amo
3. French Je T' aime
4. German lch Liebe Dich
5. Japanese Ai Shite Imasu
6. Thai Phom rak khun
7. Italian Ti amo
8.. Chinese Wo Ai Ni
9. Swedish Jag Alskar
10. - 25. Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma,Texas, NorthCarolina, Georgia,Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana,Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, and parts of Florida
Nice Ass , Get in the truck
1. English I Love You
2. Spanish Te Amo
3. French Je T' aime
4. German lch Liebe Dich
5. Japanese Ai Shite Imasu
6. Thai Phom rak khun
7. Italian Ti amo
8.. Chinese Wo Ai Ni
9. Swedish Jag Alskar
10. - 25. Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma,Texas, NorthCarolina, Georgia,Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana,Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, and parts of Florida
Nice Ass , Get in the truck
You guys have some fantastic ones.
Most of mine are political or a little crude so I'm going to sit this one out until I get better material.
Here's a couple economics jokes-(you can guess what I studied in school)
"I only invest in girls with low P/E ratios"
"Economists do it with models"
"The first lesson of economics is scarcity; there is never enough of anything to satisfy all those who want it. The first lesson of politics is to disregard the first lesson in economics"-Thomas Sowell
"GDP-Keep it Real"
"The Federal Reserve-Putting the Con in Economy since 193x"
"I'm YOUR stimulus package"
"Economists supply it on Demand"
"Your bank Sucks"
"Honk if I'm paying your mortgage"
"I'm too big to fail"
"thanks to the 2009 stimulus bill I already owe 36k in federal taxes"
"asking politicians to fix the economy is like asking OJ to find the real killers"
Most of mine are political or a little crude so I'm going to sit this one out until I get better material.
Here's a couple economics jokes-(you can guess what I studied in school)
"I only invest in girls with low P/E ratios"
"Economists do it with models"
"The first lesson of economics is scarcity; there is never enough of anything to satisfy all those who want it. The first lesson of politics is to disregard the first lesson in economics"-Thomas Sowell
"GDP-Keep it Real"
"The Federal Reserve-Putting the Con in Economy since 193x"
"I'm YOUR stimulus package"
"Economists supply it on Demand"
"Your bank Sucks"
"Honk if I'm paying your mortgage"
"I'm too big to fail"
"thanks to the 2009 stimulus bill I already owe 36k in federal taxes"
"asking politicians to fix the economy is like asking OJ to find the real killers"
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Rodeo Sex
Latest craze sweeping the country - Rodeo Sex
Here's what you do ,
Get your wife , girlfriend in the mood.
Go to the bedroom and get on the bed.
Mount your Wife/girlfriend doggy style.
Then lean over and whisper in her ear that she has a big butt and is the worst piece you have ever had in your life.
Then try to hang on for ten seconds ......:tongue:
Another spin on that would be to reach around and grab her breasts with both hands and say " Oh boy these feel just like your Sisters " , Then try hangin on
lol.
As he was quietly watching television at home, a guy heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering units was on the way and to remain calm.
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a Chiwawa dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan:
"First I'll climb up there with the ladder. Then I'll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained Chiwawa will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo..."
Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun?
"Well," explained the experienced gorilla retriever, "It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat, shoot the dog."
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a Chiwawa dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan:
"First I'll climb up there with the ladder. Then I'll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained Chiwawa will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo..."
Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun?
"Well," explained the experienced gorilla retriever, "It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat, shoot the dog."
How do you make your wife scream when you're having sex?
Call her from where you're at.
Call her from where you're at.
One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.
So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.
Feeling quite happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and “POOF”, the elephant was all grey.
All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed.
"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.
"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.
So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.
Feeling quite happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and “POOF”, the elephant was all grey.
All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed.
"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so, I had gone in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, she could see that I was new at it by how I asked her. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and flipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod
my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her.
It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, she could see that I was new at it by how I asked her. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and flipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod
my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her.
It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.
I heard it as a women is supposed to be on top, perpendicular to the man that she is having sex with and then she tells him that she has aids.
man talking to his neighbor: I have a question to ask you but I really don't know if I should...
neighbor: common, we hknow each other for years!
man: well, you know... when you do it with your wife - have you ever tried the other hole?
neighbor: are you serious ?!? so she gets pregnant ?!?
neighbor: common, we hknow each other for years!
man: well, you know... when you do it with your wife - have you ever tried the other hole?
neighbor: are you serious ?!? so she gets pregnant ?!?
A woman tells her doctor, "Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
He says, "Are you taking anything for that?"
"Right now, just black pepper," she says.
He says, "Are you taking anything for that?"
"Right now, just black pepper," she says.
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
THE HORTH WHITHPERER..
If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look
at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, & the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again & shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms & rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out & slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?
If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look
at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, & the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again & shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms & rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out & slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?
The Chrysler-Fiat deal is about to get done.
Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers from public radio have the following observations:
Q: What do you get when you combine a Chrysler with a Fiat?
A: A large car that won't start.
Q: How do you get spare parts for a Fiat?
A: Follow another one around.
Q: How can you make a Fiat go 60mph?
A: Push it off a cliff.
Owner to clerk at auto parts store: "I'd like a gas cap for my Fiat."
Clerk: "Sounds like a fair trade to me."
Q: Describe the last six pages of a Fiat owner's manual.
A: The bus schedule.
And finally..
Q: What's the difference between a Fiat and a Jehovah's Witness?
A: You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers from public radio have the following observations:
Q: What do you get when you combine a Chrysler with a Fiat?
A: A large car that won't start.
Q: How do you get spare parts for a Fiat?
A: Follow another one around.
Q: How can you make a Fiat go 60mph?
A: Push it off a cliff.
Owner to clerk at auto parts store: "I'd like a gas cap for my Fiat."
Clerk: "Sounds like a fair trade to me."
Q: Describe the last six pages of a Fiat owner's manual.
A: The bus schedule.
And finally..
Q: What's the difference between a Fiat and a Jehovah's Witness?
A: You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
Why does a Hyundai have a rear window defroster?
To keep your hands warm while you push it to the garage.
To keep your hands warm while you push it to the garage.
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