Joke of the Day

[Dtrigg]

A seven-year-old told her mother a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor. "Oh dear," the mother nervously replied. "What happened honey?"

"Nothing much," said the little girl. "He made me wait 45 minutes, then double billed the insurance company."

 

[Dtrigg]

A manufacturing company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. He was determined to rid the company of slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers, and he wanted to let them know he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

Surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO handed the guy $1,600 in cash and yelled, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now get out of here and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone here want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "He's the pizza delivery guy."

 

[gleibig]

American tourist asks a Newfoundlander :
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Newfie replies :
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the f*ckin' boat."

 

[ChopsJazz]

American tourist asks a Newfoundlander :
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Newfie replies :
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the f*ckin' boat."

:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:

 

[Dtrigg]

Universal Health Plan

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Universal Health
Plan.


The Allergists voted to scratch it.

The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.

The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"

The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.

The Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.

The Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.

The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
asses in Washington.

 

[White92]

If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one.....

This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.

Talk about LUCK!

 

[Cozmo]

If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one.....

This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.

Talk about LUCK!

LOL that's horrible!

 

[ChopsJazz]

Hey, it worked for this guy! :wink:

 

[ChopsJazz]

My landlord is so cheap, I called him the other night and told him I got a leak in my sink.

He said, "Go ahead!"

 

[Moses]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest, Fr. McCarthy.

Fr. McCarthy (the good priest that he was, from County Sligo) went to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.'

 

[ALSWEL]

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?

Hand her a shovel.

 

[quack]

"Doctor, I'm losing my memory," a man said. "What do you suggest?"

He answered, "Pay in advance."

chuckle

 

[ChopsJazz]

I used to be afraid of marriage.

After all, 50% of all marriages last forever.

 

[passline]

Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on tv. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the tv and the other on the body part they wanted healed.

Grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the tv and the other on her arthritic hip.

Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the tv and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him and said: 'you just don't understand, you old coot... The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.

 

[sca037]

HAIRCUT

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

 

[sca037]

I was out with family and friends at a local pub, and I really stuck my foot in my mouth!

They had a contest going on at the pub —and of course we all joined in.
I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.
I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point!!!!!!!!

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

Apparently its Africa :biggrin:

 

[White92]

Why don't rabbits make noise while doing it?

Because they have cotton balls.

 

[White92]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

 

[sca037]

The Accident


A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your manhood was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new one. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.



"We're getting granite countertops."

 

[tosugrad]

"We're getting granite countertops."

I love it!

 

[sca037]

Senior Wedding


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 

[tosugrad]

One afternoon a lawyer was traveling in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high ."

 

[passline]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills..
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

 

[White92]

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother
answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

 

[White92]

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your money on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.