señor clarke, he is a very good friend of ours....Is Clarke one of our friends as well?
Joke of the Day
- Thread starter tosugrad
- Start date
Who are Hal and Ken?
Great idea. Next lunch we'll go to someplace we've never been to.
Like Clarke's.
- Joined
- 2 June 2006
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- 769
My friend was telling me how he wanted to get something to give him some excitment in his life. Since he was hitting his mid-life crisis i recommended getting a Harley motorcycle a few days later to him while we were eating lunch. He stated he had a gone out and bought a Camry yesterday. He says he has never felt so on edge!
zing
zing
- Joined
- 21 June 2005
- Messages
- 1,081
Three triplets are in their pregnant mom's stomach waiting to be born.
The 1st one says to the other two "When I grow up, I'm going to be an electrician, because it's always so dark in here !"
The 2nd one says "When I grow up, I'm going to be a plumber, because there's so much water in here !"
The 3rd one says "When I grow up, I'm going to be a hunter, and the next time that snake comes in here, I'm going to kill it !!!"
The 1st one says to the other two "When I grow up, I'm going to be an electrician, because it's always so dark in here !"
The 2nd one says "When I grow up, I'm going to be a plumber, because there's so much water in here !"
The 3rd one says "When I grow up, I'm going to be a hunter, and the next time that snake comes in here, I'm going to kill it !!!"
Super Bowl
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"..
The man shakes his head.
"No, they're all at the funeral."
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"..
The man shakes his head.
"No, they're all at the funeral."
^^^ Nice one.
Irish Millionaire
The Irish Millionaire.
Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on
'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program
had already won 500,000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far,"
said Chris Tarrant,
the show's presenter,
"but for a million pounds
you've only got one life-line left –
phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....
will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night,
Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy?
How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
The Irish Millionaire.
Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on
'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program
had already won 500,000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far,"
said Chris Tarrant,
the show's presenter,
"but for a million pounds
you've only got one life-line left –
phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....
will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night,
Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy?
How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
Thank's:wink:
Job opening...
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter
And said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent! We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.'
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment,with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be
designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,'You're bullshittin' me!'
The social worker said, 'Yeah, well, you started it!
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter
And said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent! We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.'
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment,with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be
designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,'You're bullshittin' me!'
The social worker said, 'Yeah, well, you started it!
A guy is on a plane waiting for it to take off. An attractive young women sits next to him. They both say there hello's and he goes back to his reading.
About 20 minutes later she sneezes and has an odd shiver after. He looks at her peculiarly and says bless you.
5 minutes after she sneezes again. But this time she shakes more violently. He looks over to see if she is OK and again says bless you.
2 minutes later she sneezes again but has a violent shaking after this one. So, he looks at her and says. Are you OK? Every time you sneeze you seem to have some sort of seizure. Have you seen a doctor?
Yes she replied. He told me I have a rare condition that every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.
Oh, I see, he exclaimed. What do you take for it? She said: Black Pepper!!
About 20 minutes later she sneezes and has an odd shiver after. He looks at her peculiarly and says bless you.
5 minutes after she sneezes again. But this time she shakes more violently. He looks over to see if she is OK and again says bless you.
2 minutes later she sneezes again but has a violent shaking after this one. So, he looks at her and says. Are you OK? Every time you sneeze you seem to have some sort of seizure. Have you seen a doctor?
Yes she replied. He told me I have a rare condition that every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.
Oh, I see, he exclaimed. What do you take for it? She said: Black Pepper!!
This man and his son are walking down the street one day and they come up to 2 dogs that are going at it. The son looks to his dad and says, Dad, what are they doing?
The father looks at his boy and says, Well ,son, they are making puppies.
A few nights later, the little boy is walking down the hall and pears into his parents room. Dad is on top of mom doing the deed. The boys stops and says Dad, what are you doing? Well son, he replies, we are making you a brother.
The boy replies. Flip her over, I want puppies!!
The father looks at his boy and says, Well ,son, they are making puppies.
A few nights later, the little boy is walking down the hall and pears into his parents room. Dad is on top of mom doing the deed. The boys stops and says Dad, what are you doing? Well son, he replies, we are making you a brother.
The boy replies. Flip her over, I want puppies!!
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his
quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never
felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute
and
then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an
avid hunter
and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up
his walking cane
instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large
male beaver sitting
at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he
couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the
animal as
if it were his favorite hunting rifle and w ent
'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver
fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
__________________
quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never
felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute
and
then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an
avid hunter
and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up
his walking cane
instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large
male beaver sitting
at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he
couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the
animal as
if it were his favorite hunting rifle and w ent
'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver
fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
__________________
Two old timers are sitting on the front porch just talking about old times.
As they are enjoying the beautiful sunny day and some lemonade, the see a 19 year old girl come walking down the street.
She has long blond hair in ponytails. She is tall and slim. Built like a brick sh*% house. A bosom every man would die for. Wearing a halter top with sweat glistening off her chest. With a some of cut off shorts that would make Daisy Duke blush and a pair of red high heels.
They watch her walk on by with the intensity that they forgot what they were talking about.
All of a sudden, one of the old guys jumps up waving is arms like a crazy person. The other guy says, "What's the matter, Earl?"
This is my first erection in twenty years and my hand's are a sleep!
As they are enjoying the beautiful sunny day and some lemonade, the see a 19 year old girl come walking down the street.
She has long blond hair in ponytails. She is tall and slim. Built like a brick sh*% house. A bosom every man would die for. Wearing a halter top with sweat glistening off her chest. With a some of cut off shorts that would make Daisy Duke blush and a pair of red high heels.
They watch her walk on by with the intensity that they forgot what they were talking about.
All of a sudden, one of the old guys jumps up waving is arms like a crazy person. The other guy says, "What's the matter, Earl?"
This is my first erection in twenty years and my hand's are a sleep!
The other day I came home early and I saw a guy jogging naked.
I asked him, 'Why?'
He said, 'Because you came home early.'
I asked him, 'Why?'
He said, 'Because you came home early.'
Please drop my clothing off the next time you stop by. Thanks in advance.:biggrin:
- Joined
- 16 April 2007
- Messages
- 1,783
Alternate ending to zetooman's post in #415:
Two old timers, Clem and Zeke, are sitting on the front porch just talking about old times and avoiding the hot southern sun.
As they are enjoying the beautiful sunny day and some lemonade, the see a 19 year old girl come walking down the street.
She has long blond hair in ponytails. She is tall and slim. Built like a brick sh*% house. A bosom every man would die for. Wearing a halter top with sweat glistening off her chest. With a some of cut off shorts that would make Daisy Duke blush and a pair of red high heels.
They watch her walk on by with the intensity that they forgot what they were talking about.
Finally, Clem says to Zeke, “Ord’narily it riles me when young-uns git too big fer their britches.”
Two old timers, Clem and Zeke, are sitting on the front porch just talking about old times and avoiding the hot southern sun.
As they are enjoying the beautiful sunny day and some lemonade, the see a 19 year old girl come walking down the street.
She has long blond hair in ponytails. She is tall and slim. Built like a brick sh*% house. A bosom every man would die for. Wearing a halter top with sweat glistening off her chest. With a some of cut off shorts that would make Daisy Duke blush and a pair of red high heels.
They watch her walk on by with the intensity that they forgot what they were talking about.
Finally, Clem says to Zeke, “Ord’narily it riles me when young-uns git too big fer their britches.”
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A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
‘Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, … 'Damn thing's an hour fast!'
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
‘Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, … 'Damn thing's an hour fast!'
The Riddle
Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
“Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround you with intelligent people."
Obama frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
“Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question.
"Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
“I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one.” He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Biden asks Powell, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!” Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, “No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
“Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround you with intelligent people."
Obama frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
“Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question.
"Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
“I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one.” He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Biden asks Powell, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!” Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, “No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!' 'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!' 'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now...' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now...' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
The cops came around to my house today and told me my dog was chasing someone on a bike, I told them to piss off, my dog doesn't own a bike!
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