Joke of the Day

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
 
Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said "are you nuts? You're 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!
 
passline said:
Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said "are you nuts? You're 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!
Click to expand...

Tell Doug hello for me.
 
Subject: Bush in Hell
Sometime in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the Devil.

'You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.

'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the next room.

In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared. 'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!' commented George.

The devil opened a third door.


In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said... 'Monica, you're free to go!'
__________________
 
IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

A MAN NEEDS ONLY TO BE:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13.. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33.. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes




HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
 
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.



Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive
salesmanship.



Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."



"Very good," said the teacher.



Little Mary was next:



"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines
would keep them up on current events."



"Very good, Mary" said the teacher…



Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.



The teacher held her breath ...



Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.



"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"



"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.



"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"



"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."



They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poo!"



Then I would say,"It is dog poo. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"



"I used the governmental approach of giving you something cr@ppy for free, and then making you pay to get the cr@ppy taste out of your mouth."
 
An American businessman gets sent to Japan once a month for years. At night, not knowing what else to do with his time, he visits local brothels. And each time he’s with one of the ladies, she is constantly yelling, “Yaki-san! Yaki-san!,” He still doesn’t know the language, but he takes “Yaki-san” to be an expression of happiness or ecstasy.
One day back in the States he hosts some Japanese clients for a round of golf. One of the clients tees up, hits the ball, and to everyone’s amazement, makes a hole-in-one. They all begin cheering and the American yells “Yaki-san! Yaki-san!”
The Japanese golfer looked at him in puzzlement and asked, “What do you mean, “Wrong hole?”
 
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points
are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a non-exhaustive guide
to the point system:



SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-20)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend
(-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)



HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team (-10)



A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)



THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like
a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)
 
davidf said:
What does a Redneck girl say when she looses her virginity? "You're crushing my cigarettes Daddy".
Click to expand...

:biggrin:

That reminds me....

Why do they only teach driver's ed in redneck schools on Monday, Wednesday and Friday?

Because Tuesday and Thursday they're using the car for sex ed class.
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Larry was left.

'Larry, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'

Larry is doing detention all week !
 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on
a parrot.


'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn
you that Jesus is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
 
A golf fanatic enters a dentist office and asks to talk to the dentist. He tells the dentist that he needs a root canal done but he’s in a huge hurry because he’s running late for a tee time at a very exclusive course. Not wanting lose his tee reservation he tells the dentist that he didn’t have time for administering anesthesia or the time for the anesthesia to kick in so he asks if it is possible to do the root canal and skip the anesthesia altogether. The dentist, surprised and impressed at the man’s incredible dedication to the sport, explains that it can be done but that the pain is going to be excruciating and if he was okay with that. The man agrees as long as he can make his tee time. So finally the doctor asks the man which tooth needed the root canal. The man asks the dentist to hang on for a moment and runs out to his car where he asks his wife, “Hey Honey, which tooth did you say you needed a root canal on?”
 
A vulture boards an aircraft carrying three dead rats. The flight attendant says, “Sir, I’m sorry, but you’ll have to leave.”
“Why?” asks the vulture.
“Because you’re only allowed two pieces of carrion.”
 
Vega$ NSX said:
A golf fanatic enters a dentist office and asks to talk to the dentist. He tells the dentist that he needs a root canal done but he’s in a huge hurry because he’s running late for a tee time at a very exclusive course. Not wanting lose his tee reservation he tells the dentist that he didn’t have time for administering anesthesia or the time for the anesthesia to kick in so he asks if it is possible to do the root canal and skip the anesthesia altogether. The dentist, surprised and impressed at the man’s incredible dedication to the sport, explains that it can be done but that the pain is going to be excruciating and if he was okay with that. The man agrees as long as he can make his tee time. So finally the doctor asks the man which tooth needed the root canal. The man asks the dentist to hang on for a moment and runs out to his car where he asks his wife, “Hey Honey, which tooth did you say you needed a root canal on?”
Click to expand...

This had me balling!
 
Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten
roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot
and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them
to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just
listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Crawford County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell
Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on
our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.
 
An Italian Boy's Confession...

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I
admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be
an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.
 
A family sadly entered room 211 where their elderly grandfather lay gravely ill. The doctor explains just how grim the situation is.

Doctor: I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your grandfather is brain dead and his heart is not functioning.

Family: That's just terrible! We've never had a democrat in the family before!
 
Dtrigg said:
An Italian Boy's Confession...

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I
admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be
an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.
Click to expand...

was worried it would be weak but ended way hillarious!
 

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