Joke of the Day

[alum04org]

FRESH Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enter the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and
requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering' a little."

 

[sca037]

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lottery?"


"I'd take my half and leave you," she says.


"Great!” he says. "I won $12 yesterday! Here's $6. Stay in touch."

 

[sca037]

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replies: Get out, you idiot. You're on my side."

 

[JW]

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In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.


Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR..

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replac ed the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

MEN NEVER LISTEN​

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91 NSX Red/Black

 

[sca037]

Saturday morning the weather was too bad to do anything outside. I was bored with nothing to do. Suddenly there was a knock on the door.



I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello, sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."




So I said, "Come in and sit down."




I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"




He said, "Beats me. Nobody's ever let me in before."

 

[davidf]

5 FACTS


1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2.Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Samuel Adams. Men may state their preferences, but will always grab whatever is available.

AND ………

5. Haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate … A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

[SFNSXguy]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex

 

[davidf]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex

The sad reality is, that causes a lot of divorces. :wink:

 

[sca037]

AN IRISH GHOST STORY


This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s said to be true!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

 

[sca037]

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.



When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,



"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."



The old man didn't budge.



The usher became more impatient.



"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."



Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.



The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.



Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.



Finally they summoned the police.



The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,



"All right buddy what's your name?"



"Fred," the old man moaned.



"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.



With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied; "The balcony".......

 

[Bear]

Standard farmer's daughter joke..


..all the horse manure.

 

[Lostbuckeye]

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was... a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

 

[JW]

91 NSX Red​/Black

 

[sca037]

I was in the " Texas Rose" tavern last night, at the bar waiting for a beer,
when a big o'l, butt-ugly heifer came up behind me and slapped me on the butt.

She said, "Hey sexy, I dig old guys -- how about giving me your number."

I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"

She said, " I sure do."

I said, " Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."

My dental surgery is on Monday.

 

[Jinks]

A woman goes to her gynicologist for a check up at the age of 45. The doctor tells her she has some tearing and flare up and that she cannot have sex for a few months as it will aggravate the situation. She agrees and goes home to advise her husband that she cannot have sex for a few months due to doctors orders.
Her husband then replies, "what did your dentist say?"

 

[gleibig]

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
A friend of mine just spent $95, plus tax, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight."

 

[Jinks]

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
A friend of mine just spent $95, plus tax, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight."

Rofl good one.

 

[alum04org]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....


'Your house'!

 

[joboy77]

Not sure if this has been posted before so....

If your girlfriend or wife is overweight just have her walk 3 miles each morning and 3 miles every evening. Amazingly, in just 7 days, that fat bitch will be 42 miles away.

 

[Jinks]

Not sure if this has been posted before so....

If your girlfriend or wife is overweight just have her walk 3 miles each morning and 3 miles every evening. Amazingly, in just 7 days, that fat bitch will be 42 miles away.

That one had me literally laughing out loud. Thank you.

 

[gleibig]

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change color?


He had a reptile dysfunction.



wocka wocka wocka

 

[sca037]

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender


Ever since this person was a child, he always had a fear of someone under his bed at night.


So he went to a shrink and told him: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."



"Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."



"How much do you charge?"



"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.



"I'll sleep on it," he said.



Six months later the doctor met him on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" He asked.



"Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."



"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude the shrink said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"



"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."



It's always better to get a second opinion!

 

[alum04org]

I've got your back . . . .

Murphy goes to his friend Mike and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife.

Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of
stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping
with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."


The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago"

 

[Bear]

First hillbilly: We're gonna play this here new game I learnt'. It's called 20 questions. I'm gonna write something down on this here paper and you get to ask 20 questions to guess what it is. (He then writes down 'donkey dick') OK, ask away..

Second hillbilly: Can you eat it?

First hillbilly: Yes, I recon you can.

Second hillbilly: Is it donkey dick?

 

[SFNSXguy]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,”Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken."