Joke of the Day

[robr]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

 

[liftnot]

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN. Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. ​ Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:​ ​ On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !" ---o0o--- On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." ----o0o--- On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." ----o0o--- "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." ---o0o--- "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." ---o0o--- As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" ---o0o-- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." ---o0o--- "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." ---o0o--- "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." ---o0o--- "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines." ----o0o--- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." ---o0o--- "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.." ---o0o--- And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" ---o0o— Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." ---o0o— Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" ---o0o— Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." ---o0o— An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" ---o0o— After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.." ---o0o— Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways." ---o0o— Heard on a Kulula flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." ---o0o—---o0o—---o0o—​

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[gleibig]

Have you ever wondered
> who was the first to utter this phrase
>
>
>
> "You Gotta Be Shittin’ Me !!!!”
>
>
>
>
> Well, it just so
> happens to have originated through the Father of Our
> country, way back when George Washington was crossing the
> Delaware river with his
> troops.
>
>
>
>
>
> There were 33
> (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was
> extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was
> tossing them about.
>
>
>
>
>
> Finally, Washington
> grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed
> him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
> to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were
> heading.
>
>
>
>
>
> Corporal Peters,
> through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
> lantern back and forth, back and
> forth.
>
>
>
>
>
> Then a big gust of
> wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
> lantern into the Delaware .. Washington and his troops
> searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters,
> but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal
> had been one of their
> favorites.
>
>
>
>
>
> Sometime later,
> Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and
> totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that
> they must go on.
>
>
>
>
>
> Another hour later,
> one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
> They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge
> house.
>
>
>
>
>
> What they didn't
> know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the
> forest to serve all who
> came.
>
>
>
>
>
> General Washington
> pounded on the door, his men crowding around
> him.
>
>
>
>
>
> The door swung open,
> and much to his surprise stood a beautiful
> woman..
>
>
>
>
>
> A huge smile came
> across her face, to see so many men standing
> there.
>
>
>
>
>
> Washington was the
> first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington
> and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted,
> and desperately need
> warmth and comfort.'
>
>
>
>
>
> Again, the Madam
> looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile
> on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the
> right place.
>
>
>
> We can surely give you
> warmth and comfort. How many men do you
> have?'
>
>
>
>
>
> Washington replied,
> 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters
> .'
>
>
>
>
>
> And the Madam said,
> 'You gotta be shittin me.'

 

[dquarasr2]

Here's one you can use on a friend you'd like to zing, preferably with an audience that can join in on the laughter.

"Hey, (insert name here), I had the weirdest dream last night. And you were in it.

"Yeah, see, I dreamed I was in a car accident and I died and went to heaven, and St. Peter greeted me at the gate. He shuffled some papers, found my history, and said 'Hmm, you are allowed entrance to heaven, but you are barely eligible. Seems as though you weren't always all that good.'

"And with that, he handcuffs the most disgusting, smelly, nasty, mean woman to me and says 'You can gain entrance to heaven, but you will remain in eternity attached to this woman as punishment.'

"So, I enter heaven, and I turn a corner, and there YOU are. And you're attached to Scarlett Johansson! So I go back and ask St. Peter about it and he says 'Scarlett was very, very bad.'"

 

[gleibig]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 

[dquarasr2]

OMG, gleibig, that's the best one I've heard in a long time. Sitting here laughing like a fool. Even my wife thought it was great. Thanks.

 

[Wizard]

I'm not the best looking guy. Some would say I'm a little frayed around the edges these days.
But, I have a nice car, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually going from place to place.

I met a nice looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.
All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.

As we lay there making love, I thought...... "Wow, these taser guns are really worth the money!!!

 

[LoveNSXs]

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn’t help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out”.

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey’s innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband’s jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
He said, “Honey, you were right—all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“You always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got ’em all back in.”

 

[alum04org]

Ole's hunting accident

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned his old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish Lab Dawson knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole.

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

 

[davidf]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."


You gotta love lawyers!!

 

[Wizard]

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir , I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

 

[alum04org]

Re - post!

Hey, didn't you read all 34 pages of this thread? :tongue:

Re - post!

Just having fun - it's still a good one. :wink:

 

[SFNSXguy]

A guy calls home to his wife on a Thursday and says, "Honey, I’ve been asked to fly to Canada with my boss for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend, and we'll be staying at a lodge near a river. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion, so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend?
“And also would you get out my rod and my tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office, and I'll swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pajamas and robe. I love you!”


The wife thinks this sounds a bit dicey, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked; and following the long weekend he comes home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? 


He answers, “Yes, lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike -- but why didn't you pack my silk pajamas and robe like I asked you?”


The wife replies: "I did, honey -- they're in your tackle box…”

 

[dquarasr2]

Middle aged man enters a bordello, asks for "Amy".

Madam says "Oh, I'm sorry, Amy is not here today. May I offer someone else?" Man says "Oh, no, I prefer Amy."

"Very well, may I leave her a message?"
"Oh, no, I am a well-respected man of the community, I can't give you my name. Can you provide me a plain envelope and a scissor?"

Madam gives him the requested items.

The man seals the envelope and then cuts off one end:


Then he moves down about 3/4" from the end and makes a cut, almost but not all the way through:


Then he moves to the other end of the envelope, and makes a similar cut to the last one, cuts almost but not all the way through:


Finally, he puts the scissor in the middle and cuts down the edge of the envelope:


And hands the envelope to the Madam. "If you would be so kind as to give Amy this, I would appreciate it", and offers no further explanation.

The next day Amy reports to work, and asks the Madam how things were the previous day. The Madam tells Amy "Quite unusual. Gentleman came in and asked for you, but would not give me his name, said he could not risk having his name associated with this establishment. But he did give me this to give to you."

Amy looks at the envelope, turns it over a few times, then finally opens the center portion and exclaims "Oh! It's Father O'Malley!"

 

[jaja]

^ Honda's design of the NSX was said to be this at its launch.
Am I right?

 

[dquarasr2]

^ It was a work in progress when you first viewed it. I am SO not savvy with how to post pictures, not intuitive at all, for me at least.

 

[jaja]

^ It was a work in progress when you first viewed it. I am SO not savvy with how to post pictures, not intuitive at all, for me at least.

Oh :frown:. I thought I was being clever. Get it: cutting edge?

 

[SFNSXguy]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.


"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."


"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."


"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

 

[gleibig]

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US leader.



What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.





How do you get 500 cows into one barn

You put up a neon BINGO sign.

 

[SFNSXguy]

SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR


On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his girlfriend. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction! The man went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his girlfriend to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His girlfriend was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 

[91 X]

How do you get a nun pregnant?



Dress her up like a choir boy.:tongue:

 

[davidf]

OMG, your goin to hell but that's is hilarious. :tongue: I'll prolly see you there.

How do you get a nun pregnant?



Dress her up like a choir boy.:tongue:

 

[alum04org]

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up

alongside of them. "Hey, show us your t*ts, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin’ wankers,

before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!"




Sister Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?!"

 

[Brylek]

Always There


The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.


One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"


"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


"I think you're bad luck."

 

[Sean Firth]

Spend 7 minutes of your life watching this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU

It is one mans representation of a hot/crazy matrix. A word of warning for those of you who are still in the dating game.

I think we've all entered the "crazy zone" at least once.