How do you mentally deal with major traffic on a daily basis

robr

robr

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Joined
31 July 2001
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Boston, MA
Serious question. I don't have a lot of patience. Since I had kids I've gotten way way better at this, but not so much when driving. Slow people make me angry. Being stuck in traffic infuriates me. It's a big problem for me, one I don't know how to address, so I avoid traffic.

Well, after working from home for 3 years i'm starting a new job. I debated on accepting because it means 3-4 hours of commuting in traffic every day (it's 45 miles each way). But it's the right thing for my family. Much better $ and benefits.

I don't want to be arriving at work or home pissed off because of the commute. I should probably talk to a therapist but thought I'd see if anyone else has a similar problem and how they deal.

There is no public transportation option and my wife is not open to moving. Nor am I really.

Music doesn't help, so I'm going to try listening to netflix. I was in traffic the other week and putting some family Guy on Netflix really helped to distract me. Sad as it is, I'm more dangerous when I'm behind the wheel mad than when I'm distracted by a TV show.

20 years ago I had to attend a court ordered driver safety course and a question they had on some form really stuck with me. 'do you feel like other drivers on the road are placed there intentionally to get in your way and slow you down'. As irrational as it is, I often do feel that way.

Any suggestions other than a therapist :)
 
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mass transit..............:wink:
 
robr said:
Serious question. I don't have a lot of patience. Since I had kids I've gotten way way better at this, but not so much when driving. Slow people make me angry. Being stuck in traffic infuriates me. It's a big problem for me, one I don't know how to address, so I avoid traffic.

Well, after working from home for 3 years i'm starting a new job. I debated on accepting because it means 3-4 hours of commuting in traffic every day (it's 45 miles each way). But it's the right thing for my family. Much better $ and benefits.

I don't want to be arriving at work or home pissed off because of the commute. I should probably talk to a therapist but thought I'd see if anyone else has a similar problem and how they deal.

Music doesn't help, so I'm going to try listening to netflix. I was in traffic the other week and putting some family Guy on Netflix really helped to distract me. Sad as it is, I'm more dangerous when I'm behind the wheel mad than when I'm distracted by a TV show.

20 years ago I had to attend a court ordered driver safety course and a question they had on some form really stuck with me. 'do you feel like other drivers on the road are placed there intentionally to get in your way and slow you down'. As irrational as it is, I often do feel that way.

Any suggestions other than a therapist :)
Click to expand...

I have a similar problem, not with anger but with anxiety (claustrophobia)

I find that a book on tape works wonders, or similar radio dramatizations (think movie but without the screen). It lets your mind be occupied whilst you still watch where your going. Plus there is literally thousands and thousands of books on tape or radio stories that you can download so you'll never run out.

not sure if your a reader or not, if not however it only takes one or two before your hooked.

breathing exercises also work wonders.
 
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Sorry forgot to mention moving and public transportation is not an option. Everything is hub spoke so it's not practical. I tried the state carpool database and got 0 results as well. I read a ton, I can't imagine I would enjoy someone reading a book to me but I'll definitely give it a go!
 
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20 hours of traffic a week???
I would hope it's better money.
Can you find a work from home job in your line of work and then just put in 20 hours of OT a week?
Would be a lot less stress.
 
I go into work VERY early and (unfortunately) stay late...little traffic! :-)
Also, I noticed that during the year I was in trouble/probation from losing my driver's license (for speeding)...since I was now doing the posted speedlimit, I had less interactions with "idiot" drivers because speed delta was ~ZERO (plus I got significantly better mileage).
 
Even if it isn't the best solution, you just may have to move. We all get sentimental about where we live, but giving yourself this much stress isn't worth it.

I don't mind traffic because I listen to talk shows on Sirius.
 
Moving is 100 percent not an option for a number of reasons that I won't get into. Suffice it to say that I would not take this job nor would my wife want me to take it if that decision required a move. I can always look for something else, I have a good job now, but this is one is a big deal. It's basically the Google's X division of a similar sized company working with prototyping bleeding edge tech. I will keep looking for someone to carpool with, just need ideas in the meantime to try to distract myself from the traffic stress. I will work from home on Mondays and go into the office later during the rest of the week, but traffic coming home I won't be able to escape even leaving at 7. Looks like netflix and books on tape will be what I'm trying.
 
I don't commute but when I'm in the car often I'll listen to lectures via youtube. Very relaxing, if you're learning it's time well spent. What do you want to learn?
 
robr said:
I read a ton, I can't imagine I would enjoy someone reading a book to me but I'll definitely give it a go!
Click to expand...

i know, i was exactly the same as i read a load as well, but its surprising how quickly you get into it.

Plus it gives you the time to "read" all the books you never got round to :)

- - - Updated - - -

Bear said:
I don't commute but when I'm in the car often I'll listen to lectures via youtube. Very relaxing, if you're learning it's time well spent. What do you want to learn?
Click to expand...

thats not a bad shout actually, will give that a go myself :)
 
1. Buy a slower, shittier car. The better your car is the more annoying it is to not be able to drive it to where it is. Slow crappy cars handle/drive the same in congestion as they do on a windy country road
2. Eventually you will start to adjust and not get annoyed. Time will help
3. Look for longer, but less congested routes (pretty tough in the Boston area though)

Good luck. I happen to agree with you that other drivers on the road are placed there intentionally to get in your way and slow you down.
 
Without knowing your full story, I would only ask this simple question...What amount of $ justifies the horrible commute and time away from your family? When you are older/gone, do you really think your kids and wife will be saying I really wish he worked more to make more money so we can buy more stuff? No, they are going to wish you were home more and remember that you missed countless moments with the family.

I would look at every possible unnecessary cost I could cut before subjecting myself and family to that. In the meantime keep looking.

Personally, I negotiated with work to come in later and leave later in the day to avoid the prime rush hour times. Its amazing how 1 hour shift in schedule makes things so much better. Also, a laptop for the times family stuff comes up and you can work from home on random days.

Good luck with the decision as its a very personal one and myself and others have no real hope of knowing your full situation. But hope the outside looking in advice helps.
 
Last time I did a job search I limited my search to one freeway exit north and two exits south of my home. Anything further was just not worth the commute time. It took a little longer to find a job, but having a <10 minute commute was worth it.

Since I presume you need this job, my advice to you would be to take it and suck it up as best you can, all the while looking for work closer to home. Calculate a dollar cost for the commute (both mechanical and psychological), and factor that in to your job search. You're doing 90 miles a day; at the 2015 mileage rate of 57.5 cents per mile, that's about $13,000 per year just in vehicle costs. If you can find a job closer that pays $13,000 per year less, you'll still be OK.
 
I had issues with this in the past also. I would point you back to your original comment of speaking with someone about it. There's no shame in it and it certainly isn't going to make your commute worse. That's the route I took and it helped. In case you're extremely averse to that, here is how the conversation went.

Therapist: What makes you the most angry?
Me: Left lane Louies on the interstate.
Therapist: What do you think should happen to them?
Me: They should die.

Obviously that isn't rational thought, and the expectations I put on everyone else on the road were futile and highly dangerous. You can't control what's not yours to control. It's putting your expectations on others and then inviting the following inevitable resentment into your mind when they don't fulfill those expectations. A great quote I refer back to is "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen". It's quite true.

Without getting into a whole lot more detail I'll reiterate that what's in your mind (anger or anxiousness) likely has roots of which you are unaware. Otherwise it would have vetted itself out of your head by now. I had no shame and submitted to a few appointments over a few months. Won't say I don't get caught up in rising blood pressure every once in a while as many others likely do, but I've had years of much calmer driving since seeking outside assistance.

Probably not what you wanted to hear, but our situations are quite similar. It helped me.

Good luck in your quest.

Joe
 
Don't have much patience? Get some patience.

I used to be a road raging temper tantrum fit throwing human being. Now, I'm complemented all the time on how well mannered I am. All it took was me to make a decision and act upon it. I realized that almost everything are small things and it's just that, small things. You'll forget it in short time and never revisit it again. Reframing life situations was key to me and the realization that shit happens. That's just life. I now enjoy the private time I have in my car while stuck in traffic (most of the time lol).
 
Waze:
Up until about 3wks ago I commuted 40mins to 1hr each way for work. This was 5 days a week with the occasional travel further still. I must say 1hr is about my limit and thank god for Waze, which works quite well in a dense but broad city like Los Angeles with multiple artery roads. This commute use to be 1-1.5hrs easily (each way) but Waze saved me at least 30% of that time. With Waze I found myself also constantly moving even though it was the long way sometimes.

Patience/Mindset:
I became more patient over time. As you get use to the daily commute the occasional asshole who cuts you off just doesn't really make much of a difference in the whole scheme of things. I found this to be true because now that I have a 10 min commute I've caught myself becoming more irritated with the random bad driver.

Get the right car:
I have much appreciation for what makes a commuter car great vs. a great all around car. Lots of people don't understand why I want a plush automatic or all electric vehicle. Frankly, people say they can drive, even an M3, in traffic for 2hrs each day, but I argue they really don't know WTF they're talking about or they've got a huge level of patience that is abnormal. Get the right car that won't make your back sore or won't make your legs cramped. Screw the whole "i want a performance car as my daily" notion. That goes out the window right around your drive home on that Tuesday. I love my electric Fiat 500e for this purpose. It is small and agile so I could evoke NINJA mode as I weave thru traffic. Economically I also saved about $300 per month on my gas bill.

Set the right in-car environment:
The environment you create for yourself during this 1hr (each way) makes a big difference. Public transportation isn't an option for me either. In my case it would take 2-2.5hrs each way on a train/bus etc. I subscribed to Netflix, XM Sirius, and other things on youtube. Don't worry... I setup my bluetooth to stream the sound. It's too stressful to watch TV and drive at the same time even though some people say they can do it. Not to mention it's against the law and irresponsible. There are a lot of documentaries on Netflix that are great for this. Also, CNBC gives you the rosy view on the economy every morning to be balanced by the Gloom, Doom, Boom report by Mark Faber which is a podcast. I've found this 2hrs each day keeps me quite informed in the topics of my interest. I really miss this now and trying desperately to figure out how to compensate. You have yourself as a captive audience for this 2hrs of each day. Might as well make the most use of it.

Gym:
I broke up my commute by fitting in a mid-commute detour at the gym. This was a double benefit, not only for being in better health, but I was able to leave the house earlier and beat some of that traffic. Which brings me to my last point...

Schedule:
I modified my schedule to leave the house earlier. I got use to leaving the house at 530am. The traffic is almost non-existent then but I live in LA afterall so traffic builds up at 5am here. Unfortunately this takes away more time from the family.
 
Podcasts on subject matter that's directly important and/or entertaining to you on you i-device, and/or books on CD rented from the local library. Godsends for traffic situations for me.
 
Everyone is different, but after driving in the #2 worst traffic city in the US (Washington DC) and now living in #1 (Honolulu), here is what I've found helps:

Enjoy the car. I'm probably in the minority but I enjoy driving the NSX much more regardless of conditions than I do any other car. I hate when I am in traffic with a rental or some shitbox. If I'm going to be stuck in traffic, why would I do it in an inferior car? I love the attention from kids pointing through school bus windows or from tuner bros checking out my car as I pass them. I like getting waved into a spot in the lane I wanted because someone is thinking "wow, cool car." Even if I am in dead stopped traffic, I enjoy sitting in the seat and just listening to my playlist/radio talkshow/whatever. The interior is pretty nice... what mods should I go for next? The NSX is a very cool car to be in, even if it is in traffic and I appreciate the shit out of every minute.

Try to vary your commute. As suggested earlier, maybe you can break up your commute with a stop for groceries, a stint in the gym, or by simply shifting your work hours. Maybe you can also take different routes to work, even if they are farther. I personally would rather drive an extra hour/50 miles out the way on roads that are clear than to sit in traffic an hour less but arrive frustrated.
 
RYU said:
Get the right car:
Frankly, people say they can drive, even an M3, in traffic for 2hrs each day, but I argue they really don't know WTF they're talking about or they've got a huge level of patience that is abnormal. Get the right car that won't make your back sore or won't make your legs cramped.
Click to expand...

Or, you're just getting old =P
 
99problems said:
Or, you're just getting old =P
Click to expand...

I agree with RYU. When I was 23(6 years ago)and commuted from the suburbs to Chicago, it was a about a 3 hour commute both ways. Driving my rsx type-s was a pain, I didn't enjoy it. After a week I started taking the train, one can even drink on the train, actually, back then Metra still served alcohol on the train! Talk about a world of a difference as far as commutes:)

I know that's not much help to the op, but I would say just like 99.9% of things in life it's all in the mind. Also, podcasts and classical music really help! Good luck:)
 
So glad I don't do the commute thing anymore, I used to have about an hour or two commute and it was dreadful. Now I have a 20-25 minute commute and it is a joy, especially in the NSX because a portion of it is a nice twisty backcountry road.

If it is a must, then I would definitely get a Sirius subscription..love mine. Everything from Howard to fantasy football channel to make the time go by much faster and enjoyable .
 

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