hey big thanks to everyone for their tips.
i think its better on somedays...today was especially good
before i didn't even get up in the morning, i felt like there was no point. there was no point in going to lectures or living that day. especially in the past few weeks, my bio rythm was completely off. i would get up at around 2 or 3 pm, i don't eat, i eat 1 meal at night, can't sleep so i watch tv from 5 am to 7, then go to sleep wake up do the samething over and over.....
but somehow, today, i was able to force myself up and it feels good. but i know it will come crashing down. it always does at the end of the day.
i don't know the exact cause of my depression, but being locked up in my single bed dormatory definitely one i think. everyone just minds their business, im fine with that. problems back at home, school, all contributes i think.
i can't discuss things like this wtih my family. i've only talked to my best friend about this, after talking made me feel better only for a few days.
but one of the most concerning fact is my uncontrollable anger/mood swings that also seem to have developped. before i was very calm person, but now i find myself yelling and swearing, then crying, then laughing..3 or 4 am in my bed....i thought holyshit wtf is wrong with me. before i try to choke and punch myself...i seriously longed for a gun to blow my brains out.
I try to surround myself with good ppl and good things, but its hard when you are stuck in your dorm, and you got shit load of work, can't concentrate, its jus fucking all crazy to me. pressure, expectation from my parents is also har to deal with.
im reluctant to go on medication because i hear of the sideeffects. the only medication i can think of is.....well....marijuana.
once again, to everyone who gave me their advice, i greatly appreciate your help during times like this.