Politeness and innuendos

[steveny]

How do you guys deal with people or friends when they use politeness to cover up what they really mean? The same goes for innuendos people use to sugar coat what it is they are really trying to say or do.

I would really like some input on this and I know someone here has to have some good info on how to handle these situations.

I am a blunt person and say what I mean and hardly ever beat around the bush. Because of this I sometimes seem like the bad guy when I bring up issues that others would rather let slide for the fear of confrontation.

I had a really bad situation arise today and I want to feel embarrassed about my actions and apologize but by doing so would put me in the place of looking as though the wool were pulled over my eyes and that I can be taken advantage off with lies and innuendos.

Things which could have been said by others to mute my point were said after the other parties separated, so no cross referencing can be done to prove who is telling the truth.

Seems like this happens all the time to everyone I know and so few people step and tell the truth anymore. The whole situation is over an EXTREMELY petty issue which even furthers my frustration, that someone would lie over a few dollars. In fact I am embarrassed that I even made it a point but I think it is the premise more than the incident.

 

[Meeyatch1]

How do you guys deal with people or friends when they use politeness to cover up what they really mean? The same goes for innuendos people use to sugar coat what it is they are really trying to say or do.

I would really like some input on this and I know someone here has to have some good info on how to handle these situations.

I am a blunt person and say what I mean and hardly ever beat around the bush. Because of this I sometimes seem like the bad guy when I bring up issues that others would rather let slide for the fear of confrontation...

I understand where you are coming from. Being a person that usually says what they mean it sometimes presents great risk. While sometimes you may be perceived as someone who offends, it has been my experience that in many situations people will come to you when they want the straight truth about something. I have had plenty of my friends tell someone, 'Ask Mitch about that if you REALLY want to know...he will tell you and not sugar coat it,' and it is a positive thing. Sure, you have to be sensitive to people as well, but there are ways to say what you mean politely. Be proud of who you are and how you are. Take comfort in going to sleep at night content with the knowledge that you are honest where others blow smoke of deception.

 

[steveny]

I understand where you are coming from. Being a person that usually says what they mean it sometimes presents great risk. While sometimes you may be perceived as someone who offends, it has been my experience that in many situations people will come to you when they want the straight truth about something. I have had plenty of my friends tell someone, 'Ask Mitch about that if you REALLY want to know...he will tell you and not sugar coat it,' and it is a positive thing. Sure, you have to be sensitive to people as well, but there are ways to say what you mean politely. Be proud of who you are and how you are. Take comfort in going to sleep at night content with the knowledge that you are honest where others blow smoke of deception.

Could you clear a spot in your PM box so I can send you a PM?
Thanks for the words of encouragement.

 

[satan_srv]

Honesty even if it hurts. In the end you are respected for it, and at least you can respect yourself for it. I've learned a little more tact in my dealings, but I still say what needs to be said.

 

[steveny]

Honesty even if it hurts. In the end you are respected for it, and at least you can respect yourself for it.

That is a really good statement. I would never treat people the way I was treated today! I did favors all the way around and was crapped on for it.

 

[Ponyboy]

What's that Shakespeare quote?

"This above all: to thine ownself be true, And it must follow, as the night the
day, thou can not then be false to any man.”

I would recommend being transparent, genuine, honest with how you respond. That is not to say to be overbearing and judgemental but you have to say what you mean w/o vagueness. Be diplomatic, be tactful, be flexible, communicate effectively. And if that doesn't work, then screw it, go off like a 16" battleship cannon.

Hope it works out...

 

[mindretch]

Politeness is the ability to say exactly what you mean without offending the person to whom you are speaking. The degree of indirectness required varies according to the sensitivity of that person.

Even Liftshard can say what exactly what he means directly, however he frequently comes across as "shooting his mouth off" or "blowing smoke". This certainly does not apply to you in any reasonable situation, as your posts clearly demonstrate. However, you might consider that there are people that you must deal with frequently, who are unreasonably sensitive by your standards, due to their inadequate social adjustment or cultural background.

You might also consider the inevitable consequences of dealing with everybody in a cookie-cutter direct fashion and adjust your behavior accordingly when required.

Any resemblance between the preceding statement and an example of "sly inuendo" is purely coincidental.

 

[steveny]

You might also consider the inevitable consequences of dealing with everybody in a cookie-cutter direct fashion and adjust your behavior accordingly when required.

This I am guilty of. I treat everyone the same regardless of who they are. I DO NOT and HATE with a passion double standards. This is one of the large factors why I have always owned my own businesses and have rarely worked for someone else.

You guys know the routine. One day at work there is a large project to complete and there is always those few people, they are in almost every office, who say "oh I didn't know that had to be completed by the end of the day" when you know full well the SOB did know but just hopes he/she can get out of it by counting on you being polite.

This is where I step in and say right to the persons face. Don't Phucking lie to me you knew damn well it had to be done and I am not going to let you slide in hopes you though I would be polite.

 

[mindretch]

I treat everyone differently because of who they are.

The circumstances described above require a direct response without regard to feelings - "consequences"; sometimes you get 'em, sometimes you give 'em.

 

[queenlives]

I treat everyone differently because of who they are.

The circumstances described above require a direct response without regard to feelings - "consequences"; sometimes you get 'em, sometimes you give 'em.

i think everyone's given fair feedback and i especially like the quality of retch's.

i believe in being direct as well, and focus on tuning my direct-o-meter to the correct level for the situation (1st or 3rd transgression get different feedback) and the person (is this behavior reflected in other area's, as well, or is this a particularly challenging issue *for them* to deal with) and their situation.

finally, while i register my dismay with the person when the situation occurs, i focus on business at hand and get the job done, then typically address the issue in a day or two when emotions have taken their correct position in my thinking.

good luck with your situation, steve.
hal

 

[satan_srv]

That is a really good statement. I would never treat people the way I was treated today! I did favors all the way around and was crapped on for it.

One of the key points of effective business communication is 'Knowing your Audience'. Well, it's a key point of most communication people miss as well, haha!

Like the others have said, you don't want to communicate with everyone the same way. You get the most out of people by communicating in the ways you know they will understand it best. To a certain extent it's trial and error to get there, and you're right, sometimes you need to shake things up; however, if you have effective communication methods hopefully you can get your points across without unnecessary conflict. There's also choice of setting, group environment vs. one-on-one for example, that can affect the outcome.

I always tell it like it is, mainly I've just learned to do it..uh..'smoother'. Especially doing Independent Consulting like I do, you can't tear a strip of your clients and make them look like idiots, they're paying your invoices and can stop anytime Instead you position your argument/statements to enable them to see/act on them in your favour and everyone's happy.

 

[Meeyatch1]

Could you clear a spot in your PM box so I can send you a PM?
Thanks for the words of encouragement.

I cleared a spot...send it my way!!