Richard Hammond
* "I am a driving god!"
* "A dog oversteers, which is more fun..." (Clarkson), "...than an understeering hyena. So you want a Mazda MX-5 because it's rear wheel drive." (Hammond)
* "Look. A petrol station, the natural home territory of the Ford GT. And there it is, at the watering hole, drinking its fill. For the 47th time today." - on Clarkson's Ford GT during their race in supercars to the Millau Viaduct in France
* "I have NOT-HAD-MY-TEETH-WHITENED!" When co-hosts either directly say or imply that he has had work done on his teeth
* (About the Corvette) "The clutch is making my left leg hurt, and the gear change has been taken straight out of a Victorian signal box."
* "I don't want to die in tights!" (halfway down the Lillehammer bobsleigh track)
* "Oh, look! Jeremy's brought a plastic car with him" when driving a Noble
* (Regarding the rocket-Mini-ski-slope stunt) "This has never been done before. We are now at the cutting edge of cocking about!"
* "And the other thing is, every time they launch a new model, they try and outdo each other with the quantity of letters and numbers after the cars name. So! These are the two new models. This is the Subaru Impreza STi, WRX, WR, 1. And this is the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo. VIII, MR, FQ, 3, 20."
* "Unless I have been sorely misinformed, supermodels are powerless to resist a man with illuminated doorsills."
* About an American dashboard: "The last time I saw plastic like this it contained Tic-Tacs."
* While roadtesting a Pagani Zonda Roadster: "If you are ten and you are watching this right now, it's exactly as good as you think it is. It is actually that good."
* "Splash it on and make him squeal like a piggy" on the Hummer AfterShave
* "He is my partner .. but also my lover." on Jeremy Clarkson in the 3 wheel Carver
* "Jammed between Jeremy's thighs in a Dutch 3 wheeler" on describing the experience of being in the Carver with Clarkson
* "I'd have all my clothes in brushed aluminium on matte black if I could."
* While reviewing the Corvette: "This is the American's Porsche 911. But we in Europe already have a Porsche 911. It's called the Porsche 911."
* "DON'T SCRATCH THE PAINT!" (while going through Paris in a Zonda)
* "I am not moonlighting as the editor of a gay magazine! "
* "I'll give you a million pounds...or this bucket." (to Clarkson while sinking on his camper van)
* "I'll give you a million pounds... and a leg take your pick!" (also to Clarkson while sinking on his camper van)
* Clarkson: "If you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!" Hammond: "I love that vision of just blasting through the gates, backwards, in a flaming Swedish supercar! 'Yes! I'm here! Where are the women?'"
Jeremy Clarkson
* "I will not be beaten by that washing machine..." (talking about a Cessna aeroplane while driving the Bugatti Veyron)
* "Poweerr!" (Catchphrase often used during various competitions)
* "The pedal under my right foot isn't so much a throttle, as it is a hyper-space button." (about the Bugatti Veyron)
* "A dog makes a better noise than that if you tread on it" (regarding a Strokes song the show used).
* "...is just astonishing!"
* "A man dressed like a Power Ranger" (talking about motorcyclists)
* While testing a Ferrari Enzo borrowed from Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason, Pink Floyd-related puns included:
o "Ummagumma!"
o "This is the division bell between the ordinary and the absolutely astonishing"
o "That is the delicate sound of thunder" ([referring to the noise made by the V12 engine)
o "You set the controls for the heart of the sun, and just like that... you're on the dark side of the Moon"
* "And on that bombshell..." (the recurrent closing lines of the show)
* "And on that blue-rinse bombshell..." (on the episode in which the presenters' mothers tested some cars)
* "And on that bullshell... (on the episode where Hammond went to a bull run)
* "So stick that in your sport exhaust, Mr. Kawasaki." (testing Ariel Atom)
* "The Americans lecture the world on democracy, and then won't let me turn off the Traction Control."
* "A cow does more global warming than a Range Rover." (in Bugatti Veyron episode)
* "It is very foggy out there today, but you'll note The Stig doesn't have his rear foglights on, cause of course he's not... a blithering idiot."
* "It's an epic car."
* "Ok! The blue team captained by Captain Slow, that's primetime television. The red team captained by Richard 'Phillip Schofield' Hammond, that's daytime television." (Car "Ice Hockey" segment)
* (Jeremy) "Gravity is a cruel and unpredictable mistress, so..." (James) "No it isn't, it's a constant all over the world."
* "You know? That's the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this programme in 12 months."
* "These cars, then, are like one of Mr. Blair's speeches, or a pensions commercial, which amounts to the same thing."
* "This is no democracy, this is Top Gear."
* "...anyone who sits in the back of a 4-seater convertible... looks like Hitler." (On someone mentioning owning an Audi A4 convertible.)
* "We're not going to listen to him because he's got a beard."
* "There's no such a thing like cheap and cheerful; there's cheap and nasty and there's expensive and cheerful."
* To a biker on the Nürburgring: "Get a car and some proper clothes for God's sake!"
* "You can't have this car with a diesel engine. It'd be like saying "I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!" Yeah, but... (grimaces)" (commenting on the Range Rover Sport)
* "Also European cars are rather less ostentatious and vulgar."
* "I love people's faces in traffic jams, they always look so miserable... it could be worse, you could be shot in the back of the head by a marksman." (stuck in a motorway traffic jam in a VW Lupo diesel)
* (While producing an MP5A4 from the boot of his Volvo XC90) "Not only is he using the wrong car, but he's using the wrong gun. 22 is ok when you're nine, but when you're in a hurry you need one of these [showing the automatic weapon] - a Heckler and Koch MP5 machine pistol." (After firing what appears to be over 100 rounds in full automatic mode and missing all 5 targets) "Bugger."
* (about the Porsche 911) "Well, this isn't so much a car, more a place where a fat, balding, middle-aged man can go off and have his mid-life crisis ... I liked it a lot."
* "Welcome To Greenpeace!" (After a video montage introducing a new series)
* "And you would be going to the golf club actually, because the satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations and golf courses. Everything the modern Mercedes-driver needs...(silly grin)"
* "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss." (Mercedes CLS55 AMG)
* Talking about the handling of the Ford GT after driving it down a very twisty road in France: "No American who designed this chassis is even remotely aware that a road like this exists - If you brought an American here he would die of shock!
* (Whilst reading out the Prime Minister of France's letter, after going across the famous Millau Viaduct in France) "A modern France, an outstanding France... he forgot to say that the architect is British."
* "So the Ford GT is the fastest, and has the best fuel econo- oh wait, that's not right."
* "Now we move on to gifts. Firstly, I have here a mobile phone holder. Or as Richard Hammond calls it, a seat!"
* (Clarkson spots man with long brown hair and beard in audience) "Jesus is here! Is he the special guest?"
* "And Humvee, they have announced that they are making a new car. It's a lot smaller than a normal Humvee. Hopefully Greenpeace will be using that as a company car. No, I don't think so."
* "Yeah, that makes her a hybrid. We were going to call her Prius, but that would have been cruel, and she would have eaten a lot more than we were expecting." (commenting about the name of Top Gear Dog, which is an obvious bashing on the Toyota Prius)
* "I think its funny that James thinks monkeys will be the greatest peril we will see in the next thirty minutes" (said before entering a safari in a homemade renault espace convertable)
* "I think Koenigsegg is swedish for: "Oh no, my head has just exploded!" (commenting on the Koenigsegg CCX)
* (About his Ford GT) "The thing is, i think im right in saying that i have never completed a single journey, anywere there and back, in it ever. Which must make it the most unreliable car... ever made."
* (At the end of one episode)"Remember, if you have any questions or comments about the show, then please...keep them to yourself."
* (about a BMW 650 convertible) "This hasn't got an engine, this has a nuclear bomb under the bonnet."
* "Now this is what i call Shock and awe" (About the cadillac Sixteen prototype)
* "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what ... BEING STABBED ??"
* "Rise Toyboata!"
* "if you go though the pearly gates, backwards, in a ball of fire, that is cool!"
James May
* "I'd like to appeal to him [the thief who stole a Mercedes Mclaren SLR supercar] if he's been let out by the Home Secretary, which he almost certainly has been... If you'd like to steal a motor vehicle and travel around the place at 18mph, could you please nick my Honda '90."
* "Eat my pants."
* "The Italians invented electricity, as we all know." (about a 10000 GBP, old Lamborghini Urraco that broke down due to battery failure even before the show started)
* "What's the Norwegian for 'Oh Cock'?"
* "Interestingly I think the Zonda is the sort of car for people who worry too much about their teeth." (when Hammond was driving it)
* "I'd give... the rest of me year's salary ... to see that sink" (when Jeremy was on an Argocat amphibious vehicle)
* "I'm not taking lectures in physics from a man in tights. Dancing, maybe. Physics, no."
* "No one has ever done it before because they probably would be killed to death."
* "Bill Bryson. Well, I think that man is a danger, frankly. If there is one thing I can't stand it's beardy, sanctimonious, patronising Americans in tartan trousers coming to England and trying to persuade us to turn into a museum. He wants the east end for the cheeky cockney chaps pushing wheelbarrows full of eels and he wants northernists to be industrialists with big braces and blokes dying of consumption - "good morning Bill, I've got the consumption, it's tradition alright". I say Bill, if you're watching - OK, now you won't be watching because we're not talking about steam engines or longboats or bear-baiting - but IF you've happened to tune in by mistake: We're not interested in your views of stupid Americans who come over here with their big videocameras saying "gee, I love your history, it's just so old". SOD OFF!"
* "A diesel cabrio is like a supermodel smoking a pipe." (commenting on the Audi A4 convertible.)
* "I like luxury. It's the new performance." (commenting on the Cadillac Sixteen prototype)
* "You know Richard, I really enjoyed our day out, it's not very often I get to take someone out to a nice dinner." (to Richard on the ferry to Norway)
* "And now: the car every footballer's wife's hairdresser's masseuse has been waiting for, the new Mercedes SLK."
* "It costs £9400. For that you get... well, it's like a car really, only not quite as good." (commenting on the Hyundai Accent 1.5 diesel)
* "The last Proton I drove was something called the Impia. It was a very long journey and the car was so awful that - to be honest - I wanted to harm myself." (commenting on the Proton Gen II)
* (Asked on whether his budget Lamborghini had broken down) "No... I just had to stop and fill it up with electricity."
* "With Jeremy's shooting, you're perfectly safe so long as you stand directly in front of the target." (commenting on Jeremy's accuracy with the MP5A4 in the Winter Olympics special)
* "That is the sound your spine would make if you could actually hear it tingle." (Ferrari F430)
* "The interesting thing about the French nation, I think, because they are essentially peasants and communists, is that they are quite good at the fairly small and fairly simple car."
* "This car is incredible. I like it, and I'm Captain Slow!"
* "Here comes Captain Slow!" (said while on a twisty road in France, and making Richard and Jeremy eat his dust)
* (Commenting on whether or not the Honda Element is cool) So is this the car for the fans of hiphop or for the people waiting for a hip-op?
* (Hammond) "James, we are grown men playing conkers with caravans." (May) "That's alright. It's better than working at a bank."
* "Why don't you save 20 grand and buy a Micra?"
* "It's not a 911!" (When commenting on Carrera 4 and the Boxster S)
* (Commenting on Dubai whilst there) "I've got jumpers older than this city"
* "For sale: BMW 528. 19K, VGC, TNT, FSA, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC. £15000. ONO" (May playing with acronyms in his car advertisement)
* "When you drive one of these and it's a diesel, it says three things about you: one is that your tighter than two coats of paint, the second one is that you care so much about the environment that you want to leave a little protective sooty film over it, and the third one is. You're probably French.
* "You Pirate!"
The Stig
Each episode, one of the presenters gives a short quote about the Stig, invariably starting with "Some say", then two of the quotes below. He finishes by saying "All we know is, he's called The Stig."
* He drinks a lot of petrol
* He was born in space.
* He never blinks.
* He forages for wolves at night.
* He sleeps upside down like a bat.
* His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
* His skin has the texture of dolphins.
* If you tune your radio to 88.4 FM you can actually hear his thoughts.
* He does not see like humans do, instead he sees numbers in green scrolling down (a reference to the The Matrix).
* He is scared of bells.
* He once punched a horse to the ground.
* His politics are terrifying.
* He lives in a tree.
* He likes DragonBoarder.
* He was raised by wolves.
* He appears on high-value stamps in Sweden.
* His favourite philosopher is Immanuel Kant.
* He has no understanding of clouds.
* His earwax tastes like Turkish Delight.
* He is confused by stairs.
* He naturally faces magnetic north.
* He is illegal in 17 U.S. states.
* His heart ticks like a watch.
* All his legs are hydraulic.
* He can "accumbularate".
* He appears on Japanese banknotes.
* There's an airport in Russia named after him.
* He is wanted by the CIA.
* His breath smells of magnesium.
* He can catch fish with his tongue.
* His tears are adhesive.
* If set alight, he'd burn for a thousand days.
* He is terrified of ducks.
* His voice can only be heard by cats.
* He has two sets of knees.
* He can swim seven lengths underwater.
* He has webbed buttocks.
* He can melt concrete on contact.
* He is more machine than man. (a reference to Darth Vader).
* His heart is in upside down.
* His teeth glow in the dark.
* His favorite food is raw meat.
* He has no age.
* He urinates petrol (On The Top Gear Website Profiles)
* He can smell corners (On The Top Gear Website Profiles)
* He blinks like this. (Clarkson closing his thumb and forefinger on both held-up hands -- a reference to Men in Black)
* He has acid for blood. (a reference to the Alien).
* Jimmy Carter wants him dead.
* He has a bionic arm.
* He has a tattoo of Buzz Aldrin on his thigh.
* He is stumped by clouds.
* He has no fear.
* His ears aren't exactly where you would expect them to be.
* He once, "preposterously", had an affair with John Prescott (referring to Prescott's recent admission that he had had an affair with one of his secretaries).
* He has a digital face.
* If he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar. (a reference to the UK version of The Apprentice, featuring the aforementioned head honcho of Amstrad in the Donald Trump role)
* He has named every single blade of grass surrounding the Top Gear test track.
* His genitals are on upside down.
* If he wanted to, he could crack the Da Vinci code in 43 seconds.
In earlier episodes, the Stig was introduced with various lines from the presenters; including:
* Please say moshi-moshi, to Stig-san. (Moshi-moshi is the Japanese opening when answering a phone call)
* Dame Edna Everstig.
* Stiggy Bird. (a reference to legendary cricket umpire, Harold "Dickie" Bird)
* Bitte willkommen Sie, Das Stig.
* Colonel Fotherington Digby-Stigby.
* Mesdames et monsieurs, dans le pleu, Le Stig!
* Mitsu-Stiggy (when Hammond intoduces the Mitsubishi Evo 8 test lap)
* Get ready for some shock and awe from George W. Stig
* So we gave the GTI to the STI-G.
* His Holiness the Stig.
* "I am a driving god!"
* "A dog oversteers, which is more fun..." (Clarkson), "...than an understeering hyena. So you want a Mazda MX-5 because it's rear wheel drive." (Hammond)
* "Look. A petrol station, the natural home territory of the Ford GT. And there it is, at the watering hole, drinking its fill. For the 47th time today." - on Clarkson's Ford GT during their race in supercars to the Millau Viaduct in France
* "I have NOT-HAD-MY-TEETH-WHITENED!" When co-hosts either directly say or imply that he has had work done on his teeth
* (About the Corvette) "The clutch is making my left leg hurt, and the gear change has been taken straight out of a Victorian signal box."
* "I don't want to die in tights!" (halfway down the Lillehammer bobsleigh track)
* "Oh, look! Jeremy's brought a plastic car with him" when driving a Noble
* (Regarding the rocket-Mini-ski-slope stunt) "This has never been done before. We are now at the cutting edge of cocking about!"
* "And the other thing is, every time they launch a new model, they try and outdo each other with the quantity of letters and numbers after the cars name. So! These are the two new models. This is the Subaru Impreza STi, WRX, WR, 1. And this is the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo. VIII, MR, FQ, 3, 20."
* "Unless I have been sorely misinformed, supermodels are powerless to resist a man with illuminated doorsills."
* About an American dashboard: "The last time I saw plastic like this it contained Tic-Tacs."
* While roadtesting a Pagani Zonda Roadster: "If you are ten and you are watching this right now, it's exactly as good as you think it is. It is actually that good."
* "Splash it on and make him squeal like a piggy" on the Hummer AfterShave
* "He is my partner .. but also my lover." on Jeremy Clarkson in the 3 wheel Carver
* "Jammed between Jeremy's thighs in a Dutch 3 wheeler" on describing the experience of being in the Carver with Clarkson
* "I'd have all my clothes in brushed aluminium on matte black if I could."
* While reviewing the Corvette: "This is the American's Porsche 911. But we in Europe already have a Porsche 911. It's called the Porsche 911."
* "DON'T SCRATCH THE PAINT!" (while going through Paris in a Zonda)
* "I am not moonlighting as the editor of a gay magazine! "
* "I'll give you a million pounds...or this bucket." (to Clarkson while sinking on his camper van)
* "I'll give you a million pounds... and a leg take your pick!" (also to Clarkson while sinking on his camper van)
* Clarkson: "If you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!" Hammond: "I love that vision of just blasting through the gates, backwards, in a flaming Swedish supercar! 'Yes! I'm here! Where are the women?'"
Jeremy Clarkson
* "I will not be beaten by that washing machine..." (talking about a Cessna aeroplane while driving the Bugatti Veyron)
* "Poweerr!" (Catchphrase often used during various competitions)
* "The pedal under my right foot isn't so much a throttle, as it is a hyper-space button." (about the Bugatti Veyron)
* "A dog makes a better noise than that if you tread on it" (regarding a Strokes song the show used).
* "...is just astonishing!"
* "A man dressed like a Power Ranger" (talking about motorcyclists)
* While testing a Ferrari Enzo borrowed from Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason, Pink Floyd-related puns included:
o "Ummagumma!"
o "This is the division bell between the ordinary and the absolutely astonishing"
o "That is the delicate sound of thunder" ([referring to the noise made by the V12 engine)
o "You set the controls for the heart of the sun, and just like that... you're on the dark side of the Moon"
* "And on that bombshell..." (the recurrent closing lines of the show)
* "And on that blue-rinse bombshell..." (on the episode in which the presenters' mothers tested some cars)
* "And on that bullshell... (on the episode where Hammond went to a bull run)
* "So stick that in your sport exhaust, Mr. Kawasaki." (testing Ariel Atom)
* "The Americans lecture the world on democracy, and then won't let me turn off the Traction Control."
* "A cow does more global warming than a Range Rover." (in Bugatti Veyron episode)
* "It is very foggy out there today, but you'll note The Stig doesn't have his rear foglights on, cause of course he's not... a blithering idiot."
* "It's an epic car."
* "Ok! The blue team captained by Captain Slow, that's primetime television. The red team captained by Richard 'Phillip Schofield' Hammond, that's daytime television." (Car "Ice Hockey" segment)
* (Jeremy) "Gravity is a cruel and unpredictable mistress, so..." (James) "No it isn't, it's a constant all over the world."
* "You know? That's the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this programme in 12 months."
* "These cars, then, are like one of Mr. Blair's speeches, or a pensions commercial, which amounts to the same thing."
* "This is no democracy, this is Top Gear."
* "...anyone who sits in the back of a 4-seater convertible... looks like Hitler." (On someone mentioning owning an Audi A4 convertible.)
* "We're not going to listen to him because he's got a beard."
* "There's no such a thing like cheap and cheerful; there's cheap and nasty and there's expensive and cheerful."
* To a biker on the Nürburgring: "Get a car and some proper clothes for God's sake!"
* "You can't have this car with a diesel engine. It'd be like saying "I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!" Yeah, but... (grimaces)" (commenting on the Range Rover Sport)
* "Also European cars are rather less ostentatious and vulgar."
* "I love people's faces in traffic jams, they always look so miserable... it could be worse, you could be shot in the back of the head by a marksman." (stuck in a motorway traffic jam in a VW Lupo diesel)
* (While producing an MP5A4 from the boot of his Volvo XC90) "Not only is he using the wrong car, but he's using the wrong gun. 22 is ok when you're nine, but when you're in a hurry you need one of these [showing the automatic weapon] - a Heckler and Koch MP5 machine pistol." (After firing what appears to be over 100 rounds in full automatic mode and missing all 5 targets) "Bugger."
* (about the Porsche 911) "Well, this isn't so much a car, more a place where a fat, balding, middle-aged man can go off and have his mid-life crisis ... I liked it a lot."
* "Welcome To Greenpeace!" (After a video montage introducing a new series)
* "And you would be going to the golf club actually, because the satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations and golf courses. Everything the modern Mercedes-driver needs...(silly grin)"
* "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss." (Mercedes CLS55 AMG)
* Talking about the handling of the Ford GT after driving it down a very twisty road in France: "No American who designed this chassis is even remotely aware that a road like this exists - If you brought an American here he would die of shock!
* (Whilst reading out the Prime Minister of France's letter, after going across the famous Millau Viaduct in France) "A modern France, an outstanding France... he forgot to say that the architect is British."
* "So the Ford GT is the fastest, and has the best fuel econo- oh wait, that's not right."
* "Now we move on to gifts. Firstly, I have here a mobile phone holder. Or as Richard Hammond calls it, a seat!"
* (Clarkson spots man with long brown hair and beard in audience) "Jesus is here! Is he the special guest?"
* "And Humvee, they have announced that they are making a new car. It's a lot smaller than a normal Humvee. Hopefully Greenpeace will be using that as a company car. No, I don't think so."
* "Yeah, that makes her a hybrid. We were going to call her Prius, but that would have been cruel, and she would have eaten a lot more than we were expecting." (commenting about the name of Top Gear Dog, which is an obvious bashing on the Toyota Prius)
* "I think its funny that James thinks monkeys will be the greatest peril we will see in the next thirty minutes" (said before entering a safari in a homemade renault espace convertable)
* "I think Koenigsegg is swedish for: "Oh no, my head has just exploded!" (commenting on the Koenigsegg CCX)
* (About his Ford GT) "The thing is, i think im right in saying that i have never completed a single journey, anywere there and back, in it ever. Which must make it the most unreliable car... ever made."
* (At the end of one episode)"Remember, if you have any questions or comments about the show, then please...keep them to yourself."
* (about a BMW 650 convertible) "This hasn't got an engine, this has a nuclear bomb under the bonnet."
* "Now this is what i call Shock and awe" (About the cadillac Sixteen prototype)
* "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what ... BEING STABBED ??"
* "Rise Toyboata!"
* "if you go though the pearly gates, backwards, in a ball of fire, that is cool!"
James May
* "I'd like to appeal to him [the thief who stole a Mercedes Mclaren SLR supercar] if he's been let out by the Home Secretary, which he almost certainly has been... If you'd like to steal a motor vehicle and travel around the place at 18mph, could you please nick my Honda '90."
* "Eat my pants."
* "The Italians invented electricity, as we all know." (about a 10000 GBP, old Lamborghini Urraco that broke down due to battery failure even before the show started)
* "What's the Norwegian for 'Oh Cock'?"
* "Interestingly I think the Zonda is the sort of car for people who worry too much about their teeth." (when Hammond was driving it)
* "I'd give... the rest of me year's salary ... to see that sink" (when Jeremy was on an Argocat amphibious vehicle)
* "I'm not taking lectures in physics from a man in tights. Dancing, maybe. Physics, no."
* "No one has ever done it before because they probably would be killed to death."
* "Bill Bryson. Well, I think that man is a danger, frankly. If there is one thing I can't stand it's beardy, sanctimonious, patronising Americans in tartan trousers coming to England and trying to persuade us to turn into a museum. He wants the east end for the cheeky cockney chaps pushing wheelbarrows full of eels and he wants northernists to be industrialists with big braces and blokes dying of consumption - "good morning Bill, I've got the consumption, it's tradition alright". I say Bill, if you're watching - OK, now you won't be watching because we're not talking about steam engines or longboats or bear-baiting - but IF you've happened to tune in by mistake: We're not interested in your views of stupid Americans who come over here with their big videocameras saying "gee, I love your history, it's just so old". SOD OFF!"
* "A diesel cabrio is like a supermodel smoking a pipe." (commenting on the Audi A4 convertible.)
* "I like luxury. It's the new performance." (commenting on the Cadillac Sixteen prototype)
* "You know Richard, I really enjoyed our day out, it's not very often I get to take someone out to a nice dinner." (to Richard on the ferry to Norway)
* "And now: the car every footballer's wife's hairdresser's masseuse has been waiting for, the new Mercedes SLK."
* "It costs £9400. For that you get... well, it's like a car really, only not quite as good." (commenting on the Hyundai Accent 1.5 diesel)
* "The last Proton I drove was something called the Impia. It was a very long journey and the car was so awful that - to be honest - I wanted to harm myself." (commenting on the Proton Gen II)
* (Asked on whether his budget Lamborghini had broken down) "No... I just had to stop and fill it up with electricity."
* "With Jeremy's shooting, you're perfectly safe so long as you stand directly in front of the target." (commenting on Jeremy's accuracy with the MP5A4 in the Winter Olympics special)
* "That is the sound your spine would make if you could actually hear it tingle." (Ferrari F430)
* "The interesting thing about the French nation, I think, because they are essentially peasants and communists, is that they are quite good at the fairly small and fairly simple car."
* "This car is incredible. I like it, and I'm Captain Slow!"
* "Here comes Captain Slow!" (said while on a twisty road in France, and making Richard and Jeremy eat his dust)
* (Commenting on whether or not the Honda Element is cool) So is this the car for the fans of hiphop or for the people waiting for a hip-op?
* (Hammond) "James, we are grown men playing conkers with caravans." (May) "That's alright. It's better than working at a bank."
* "Why don't you save 20 grand and buy a Micra?"
* "It's not a 911!" (When commenting on Carrera 4 and the Boxster S)
* (Commenting on Dubai whilst there) "I've got jumpers older than this city"
* "For sale: BMW 528. 19K, VGC, TNT, FSA, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC. £15000. ONO" (May playing with acronyms in his car advertisement)
* "When you drive one of these and it's a diesel, it says three things about you: one is that your tighter than two coats of paint, the second one is that you care so much about the environment that you want to leave a little protective sooty film over it, and the third one is. You're probably French.
* "You Pirate!"
The Stig
Each episode, one of the presenters gives a short quote about the Stig, invariably starting with "Some say", then two of the quotes below. He finishes by saying "All we know is, he's called The Stig."
* He drinks a lot of petrol
* He was born in space.
* He never blinks.
* He forages for wolves at night.
* He sleeps upside down like a bat.
* His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
* His skin has the texture of dolphins.
* If you tune your radio to 88.4 FM you can actually hear his thoughts.
* He does not see like humans do, instead he sees numbers in green scrolling down (a reference to the The Matrix).
* He is scared of bells.
* He once punched a horse to the ground.
* His politics are terrifying.
* He lives in a tree.
* He likes DragonBoarder.
* He was raised by wolves.
* He appears on high-value stamps in Sweden.
* His favourite philosopher is Immanuel Kant.
* He has no understanding of clouds.
* His earwax tastes like Turkish Delight.
* He is confused by stairs.
* He naturally faces magnetic north.
* He is illegal in 17 U.S. states.
* His heart ticks like a watch.
* All his legs are hydraulic.
* He can "accumbularate".
* He appears on Japanese banknotes.
* There's an airport in Russia named after him.
* He is wanted by the CIA.
* His breath smells of magnesium.
* He can catch fish with his tongue.
* His tears are adhesive.
* If set alight, he'd burn for a thousand days.
* He is terrified of ducks.
* His voice can only be heard by cats.
* He has two sets of knees.
* He can swim seven lengths underwater.
* He has webbed buttocks.
* He can melt concrete on contact.
* He is more machine than man. (a reference to Darth Vader).
* His heart is in upside down.
* His teeth glow in the dark.
* His favorite food is raw meat.
* He has no age.
* He urinates petrol (On The Top Gear Website Profiles)
* He can smell corners (On The Top Gear Website Profiles)
* He blinks like this. (Clarkson closing his thumb and forefinger on both held-up hands -- a reference to Men in Black)
* He has acid for blood. (a reference to the Alien).
* Jimmy Carter wants him dead.
* He has a bionic arm.
* He has a tattoo of Buzz Aldrin on his thigh.
* He is stumped by clouds.
* He has no fear.
* His ears aren't exactly where you would expect them to be.
* He once, "preposterously", had an affair with John Prescott (referring to Prescott's recent admission that he had had an affair with one of his secretaries).
* He has a digital face.
* If he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar. (a reference to the UK version of The Apprentice, featuring the aforementioned head honcho of Amstrad in the Donald Trump role)
* He has named every single blade of grass surrounding the Top Gear test track.
* His genitals are on upside down.
* If he wanted to, he could crack the Da Vinci code in 43 seconds.
In earlier episodes, the Stig was introduced with various lines from the presenters; including:
* Please say moshi-moshi, to Stig-san. (Moshi-moshi is the Japanese opening when answering a phone call)
* Dame Edna Everstig.
* Stiggy Bird. (a reference to legendary cricket umpire, Harold "Dickie" Bird)
* Bitte willkommen Sie, Das Stig.
* Colonel Fotherington Digby-Stigby.
* Mesdames et monsieurs, dans le pleu, Le Stig!
* Mitsu-Stiggy (when Hammond intoduces the Mitsubishi Evo 8 test lap)
* Get ready for some shock and awe from George W. Stig
* So we gave the GTI to the STI-G.
* His Holiness the Stig.
