please critique my cover letter...

[poet_x]

I found a job i think I may be good at, and I think there is good opportunity for advancement. Please, if you know anything about the position and what it might entail, enlighten me. Also please look at my cover letter and resume and see if there is anything I should edit or change.




This is the position to which I am applying:

MORTGAGE ASSISTANT
Wells Fargo Home Mortgage has an immediate opening for a Mortgage Assistant in our Traverse City office. Responsibilities include: Assisting Home Mortgage Consultants in taking mortgage loan applications, closing mortgage loans and providing outstanding customer service during the loan process and after a mortgage loan closing for all customers. A successful candidate must have excellent interpersonal skills applicable to a customer service and sales environment. Wells Fargo Home Mortgage offers a competitive compensation package, a comprehensive benefit package package and opportunity for growth. If interested,
please send resume to:
Wells Fargo



here is my cover letter:

April 2, 2004

Attn: Chip Hescott/Corinne Mason

My name is Aaron Steele and I am contacting you regarding the Mortgage Assistant position as posted in the Traverse City Record Eagle. I am very interested in this position, and I’d like to speak with you about this opportunity. Attached you will find my resume, which I submit to you with pride. I have previous experience in both customer service and sales fields. Every position I have held has had some amount of customer service, but it was a main focus of mine at both Northern Rental Center and Bankers Life & Casualty. Bankers Life also provided me with sales experience as well as experience in handling multiple forms and applications on a daily basis. My experience is much more detailed than this brief outline, and I hope to expound upon it further in a personal interview.

You will find that my educational background includes both a focus on psychology (which allows me to better relate with clients on a personal level) and a focus on business management and organizational development (which allows me to better relate with clients on a professional level). My formal education has prepared me very well for your open position, and will help me to provide the professionalism you require as well as the interpersonal relationships your clients require.

Please contact me as soon as possible regarding this opportunity. I am looking for an opportunity to grow professionally while providing outstanding service to my employer and my clients. I feel that your position provides me with great opportunity and I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Sincerely,

Aaron J. Steele





And my resume:



AARON STEELE
CONTACT
PO Box 630 Elk Rapids, MI 49629 [email protected] home phone:

OBJECTIVE

My objective is to provide superior service to my clients, and to work to help make the company grow. I will excel at what I do through my passion for it. I will prosper, and will strive to become a leader in my field.
EXPERIENCE

Nov, 2003-Present Harbor Optical Traverse City, MI
Lab Tech
* Completed training course on Opthamology.
* Job duties include, but are not limited to: Data entry, database management, customer service, order processing, and lens/frame tracing.
* Took job because it was not restricted by my automotive injury, and it allowed me a chance to rehabilitate in a working environment.

Aug, 2003-Nov, 2003 Suzuki of Traverse City Traverse City, MI
Car Sales Representaitve
* Participated in one of America's first three "Suzuki Square" dealerships.
* Cetified by Suzuki North America as an authorized sales agent for Suzuki automotive.
* Left employment in November due to restrictions resulting from a car accident in early October.

Oct, 2002-Aug, 2003 Northern Rental Center Charlevoix, MI
Store Manager
* Contact late customers to obtain payments.
* Late percentage decreased from 25% to 8% in 1st month.
* Responsible for ordering, cashiering, scheduling, collection, and all other aspects of the company.

March, 2001-Oct, 2002 Progressive Timberlands Traverse City, MI
Sales Representative and Computer Technician
* Contact clients in Act! Database to offer services.
* Create bid sheets for site estimators.
* Maintain working network, full computer backup, and tech support for field workers. Worked extensively with MS-Word, with some Access, Excell, & Outlook as well.

April, 2000-Jan, 2001 Bankers Life and Casualty Traverse City, MI
Sales Agent/Management Trainee
* Acquired both Health and Life insurance licenses.
* Specialized in long term care, life, and health insurance.
* Run approximately fifteen appointments per week.
* Average of a twelve-hour workday.


June, 1999-April, 2000 Home Depot Traverse City, MI
Lot Associate
* Maintained efficiency of the parking lot.
* Assisted in all departments.
* Consistently seen as one of the top three lot associates.
* Worked nine-hour shifts outside, regardless of weather.


May, 1992-May, 1999 Village Market Elk Rapids, MI
Stock Associate/ New Employee Trainer
* Only employee trained in all of the following: Stock, Video, Carryout, Produce, Meat, Dairy, Frozen, Deli, Floors, and Training.
* Consistently relied upon for assistance with the receiving and handling of well over two thousand cases of merchandise per week.


EDUCATION

2001-Present Spring Arbor University Traverse City, MI
Major in Management and Organizational Development
* All course work completed with degree pending.
* Wrote a Master's level thesis.
* Bachelor's Degree pending final evaluation of credits.

1997-2000 Central Michigan University Mt. Pleasant, MI
Major in Psychology with a concentration on therapy, minor in Business Administration.
* Created business plan for a new drinking establishment.
* Focused on business and accounting classes.

1995-1997 Northwestern Michigan College Traverse City, MI
* Major in Psychology, minor in Business Administration.
* Left with the equivalent of an Associate Degree (by means of credit hours).
* Successfully completed all but one of the psychology classes offered.
REFERENCES
* Rick Young Owner Village Market

* Scott Roggenbeck Agent Real Estate One
* Mike Griffith Manager Bankers Life and Casualty

* Peter Nagy Regional Manager Northern Rental Center


INTERESTS

Driving and automobiles, music, reading, writing (I have my own book and have won "Poet of the Year 2000 and 2001" from Famous Poet Society), biking, skiing, golf, and being with my wife and step-children.

CONCLUSION

I appreciate you taking the time to review my resume. I present it to you with pride, and look forward to working with you in the future. I feel that I would be a great asset to your company, and that I will work my hardest to excel in this field. Through my passion and dedication comes excellence. Again, thank you for your time and consideration.

 

[poet_x]

Any comments whatsoever would be appreciated, even if it is as blatent as "I would never hire you based on what you've shown here".


If you feel so compelled, at least tell me why

 

[Doug]

I'm not in HR, but from a quick look, a few points on the work part.
1. Just say you worked at HD with only the dates, not details. Unless you managed the store, nobody will car less if you worked in millwork, electrical, or lot supervisor.
2. Don't tell how long you worked each day or how many appointments. Looks like you are trying to hard to prop yourself up.
3.Drop the 2 months of car sales. If questioned, then state that you had been in the accident and needed rehab. 2 months in sales looks bad.
4.Drop the injury part in the current job, just state what you do.

Good luck in the search. A word of advice. Try to hold the current or next job for at least a couple of years. Too many jobs in such a short time looks like a dreamer. The grass always appears greener in sales jobs and managers recognize this. Eventually, they will not give you the chance because they will think that you will think there is something better and leave shortly. Also, if granted an interview, don't say "I think", say "I know".

 

[poet_x]

Thank you for the advice. However, I only left one job of those for money. Most were because I was lied to and screwed over by management or my paychecks bounced...

 

[jlindy]

Man, they say the college years are the best years of your life, but you shouldn't spend it all there.

Seriously though, I have had a lot of advice given to me from recruiters and other experts in that field. I would personally get rid of all that "averaged a x hour work day". Any employer will expect you to put in the hours and does not need to see that in print. Also, highlight in bold first the most important aspect of each applicable job, but keep it short. They want to be able to quickly scan down your resume and see the highlights without having to read all of it, so format is important along with getting to the point quickly.

Employers like you to quantify your successes like "raised production 28% in 2nd quarter 2003, etc. Even if you don't have exacts, I would use your best judgement and make them up based on what you know.

Most importantly, once you get the interview, show them your drive, organization, and persistence in the interview by taking the extra step. (it seems like a waste of time, but give them no reason to choose the next person) For a job I just got, I created several things to show them how serious I was about the position including:

- 30, 60, 90 day plan of attack
- market overview of territory you are taking over via powerpoint
- top ten reasons why to hire
- brag book of previous successes (graphs, charts, etc.)

It takes some time to do, but you will knock their socks off for sure and show them that they have no other choice than to hire you. I dropped about 30 bucks at Kinko's printing up all of these documents, but it worked the very first time I tried it. I had done some extra work in the past with no luck, but nothing like this.

Lastly, try not to focus too much on your education especially in your resume because it screams student and shows inexperience. Also, since you have been in college much longer than average they may see that as a sign of an unmotivated person even thought that is probably way off base. Interviewers are looking for ways to elimate you to make narrowing their cut easier, so you have to eliminate any rejection before it happens as much as possible or an angle that could be misinterpreted. Only bring up your education in the interview if asked.

 

[donwon]

My objective is to provide superior service to my clients, and to work to help make the company grow.

Something sounds a little off with that. How about:

My objective is to support company growth by providing superior customer service to my clients.

My objective is to provide superior customer service to my clients, advancing growth within the company and on a personal level.

Good luck on your position.

 

[poet_x]

good points all of you. thanks.


as for the education, I slacked for about a year, and ended up switching majors deep into my progress because my academic advisor had scheduled me with unrequired courses for the area I was heading for, so to get back on track would have taken just as long to switch to a business major, which i thought would be more versitile than a psychology major.

 

[jlindy]

good points all of you. thanks.


as for the education, I slacked for about a year, and ended up switching majors deep into my progress because my academic advisor had scheduled me with unrequired courses for the area I was heading for, so to get back on track would have taken just as long to switch to a business major, which i thought would be more versitile than a psychology major.

For all we know, you could have built up over 200 credit hours, but on paper it wont read that way. That is why I thought you should focus on your experience. Good luck.