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This Just In:
Amidst the controversy surrounding underage gymnasts and illegal doping, the United States has revealed, by far, the biggest scandal yet to hit the Olympics. US Officials from the world-renowned Sea World Institute of Marine Biology (SWIMB) have revealed a chilling deception that only the Chinese are capable of: all twenty of their Olympic swimmers are, in fact, dolphins.
International Olympics Committee (IOC) official Susan Mitchell responded to the situation by saying:
“We began to suspect something was wrong when they refused to wear swimsuits and goggles. But we just figured that the Chinese had their own way of doing things.”
When asked what he thought of the situation, Olympic gold-medalist Michael Phelps responded by saying:
“I am completely shocked. I mean, yeah they were pretty fast this year and that made me question things, but I just chocked it up to a home-turf advantage and did the best I could.”
Accusations began when Chinese swimmer Shiang Pi Pi smashed the previous 400-meter Individual Medley (IM) world record of 4 min 3.84 seconds with a lightening-fast time of 2.00 seconds—a feat not even Phelps could accomplish.
Researchers from the United States were immediately flown to Beijing as soon as Shiang’s official time was made public. Donald Cafferty, PhD, an expert in Taxonomy and Marine Biology, was brought in to examine Shiang and his cohorts. Cafferty reports:
“We subjected the Chinese team to a grueling 6000 parameter examination, including testing for pharmaceutical enhancers like anabolic steroids and human growth hormone (HGH). To our surprise all the tests came back negative for illegal doping. Furthermore, their hearts were in extremely good condition—almost as if they’ve been eating fish and swimming since birth. However, being Chinese, we should not rule out the possibility that they have figured out a way to side-step our technology. Our tests were based on urine samples, and we have yet to draw blood from the athletes. We will continue our investigation with DNA testing and bring in experts from other fields such as Electrical Engineering and Computer Science. We have not ruled out the possibility that these may, in fact, be robots.”
Josh Needham, a six year old from San Diego, notes: “What gives the dolphins their advantage in the water is their large tail—or fluke—and their ability to hold their breath for a long, long time. One time, I held my breath for a whole minute, but afterwards I felt dizzy and forgot my last name.”
Reubin Chang, PhD, a marine biologist in China confirmed Needham’s observations and added: “Dolphins and porpoises are also capable of echolocation, which provides a great advantage when judging the distance from predators and prey—or in this case, swearing Frenchmen. They are very fast swimmers, as natural selection has ridded the world of early dolphin ancestors that lacked their streamlined body and dorsal fins. These animals,” as Chang explains, “had, instead, rectangular bodies with no fins at all.” Chang dubs the animals “Fauxphins” and is awaiting publication of his ground-breaking paper entitled: The Most Efficient Drowners and Their Role in Evolution: A Case-study on Fauxphins.
Perhaps the most shocking revelation in this fiasco is that there are no explicit rules prohibiting dolphins from competing in the Olympics, and all medals awarded will be kept by China. This brings China’s total medal count from 20 to 40, thus giving them a decisive lead over the United States. The IOC is taking heavy criticism for their oversight, and a meeting is to be held next year in Geneva to propose rules banning dolphins from swimming competitions. Prompted by rumors that the United States has begun investigating training dolphins in other events such as hurdling, the IOC will also consider banning other animals from competing in competitions they may have an advantage in—such as grizzly bears in greco-roman wrestling and birds in the long-jump.
Amidst the controversy surrounding underage gymnasts and illegal doping, the United States has revealed, by far, the biggest scandal yet to hit the Olympics. US Officials from the world-renowned Sea World Institute of Marine Biology (SWIMB) have revealed a chilling deception that only the Chinese are capable of: all twenty of their Olympic swimmers are, in fact, dolphins.
International Olympics Committee (IOC) official Susan Mitchell responded to the situation by saying:
“We began to suspect something was wrong when they refused to wear swimsuits and goggles. But we just figured that the Chinese had their own way of doing things.”
When asked what he thought of the situation, Olympic gold-medalist Michael Phelps responded by saying:
“I am completely shocked. I mean, yeah they were pretty fast this year and that made me question things, but I just chocked it up to a home-turf advantage and did the best I could.”
Accusations began when Chinese swimmer Shiang Pi Pi smashed the previous 400-meter Individual Medley (IM) world record of 4 min 3.84 seconds with a lightening-fast time of 2.00 seconds—a feat not even Phelps could accomplish.
Researchers from the United States were immediately flown to Beijing as soon as Shiang’s official time was made public. Donald Cafferty, PhD, an expert in Taxonomy and Marine Biology, was brought in to examine Shiang and his cohorts. Cafferty reports:
“We subjected the Chinese team to a grueling 6000 parameter examination, including testing for pharmaceutical enhancers like anabolic steroids and human growth hormone (HGH). To our surprise all the tests came back negative for illegal doping. Furthermore, their hearts were in extremely good condition—almost as if they’ve been eating fish and swimming since birth. However, being Chinese, we should not rule out the possibility that they have figured out a way to side-step our technology. Our tests were based on urine samples, and we have yet to draw blood from the athletes. We will continue our investigation with DNA testing and bring in experts from other fields such as Electrical Engineering and Computer Science. We have not ruled out the possibility that these may, in fact, be robots.”
Josh Needham, a six year old from San Diego, notes: “What gives the dolphins their advantage in the water is their large tail—or fluke—and their ability to hold their breath for a long, long time. One time, I held my breath for a whole minute, but afterwards I felt dizzy and forgot my last name.”
Reubin Chang, PhD, a marine biologist in China confirmed Needham’s observations and added: “Dolphins and porpoises are also capable of echolocation, which provides a great advantage when judging the distance from predators and prey—or in this case, swearing Frenchmen. They are very fast swimmers, as natural selection has ridded the world of early dolphin ancestors that lacked their streamlined body and dorsal fins. These animals,” as Chang explains, “had, instead, rectangular bodies with no fins at all.” Chang dubs the animals “Fauxphins” and is awaiting publication of his ground-breaking paper entitled: The Most Efficient Drowners and Their Role in Evolution: A Case-study on Fauxphins.
Perhaps the most shocking revelation in this fiasco is that there are no explicit rules prohibiting dolphins from competing in the Olympics, and all medals awarded will be kept by China. This brings China’s total medal count from 20 to 40, thus giving them a decisive lead over the United States. The IOC is taking heavy criticism for their oversight, and a meeting is to be held next year in Geneva to propose rules banning dolphins from swimming competitions. Prompted by rumors that the United States has begun investigating training dolphins in other events such as hurdling, the IOC will also consider banning other animals from competing in competitions they may have an advantage in—such as grizzly bears in greco-roman wrestling and birds in the long-jump.
