1. First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is "D.C.", or "the District". Only tourists call it Washington.
2. Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If you live or work in Loudoun or Fairfax county, your map was obsolete as soon as you paid for it.
3. There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.
4. All directions start with "From the Beltway"...which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an "inner" and "outer" designation.
5. The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM.
6. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound or 95 South in Virginia
7. If there is a ball game at Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. (Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington.)
8. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 "picture" you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green; you will get cussed out in 38 languages, none of them English.)
9. Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.
10. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant for toilet paper and milk.
11. Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate," but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick, unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do.
12. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Takoma Park".
13. If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, someone who just moved here from the mid-west.
14. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning.
15. All Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.
16. In Virginia, many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.
18. If you stop to ask directions in Southeast... well just don't.
19. A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you $16.75. (It's a zone thing, you just wouldn't understand.)
20. Traveling south out of DC through the Interstate 395/95 interchange is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do in a car.
21. You're comforted that you will make it to work on time when there are seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, bumper-to-bumper.
22. The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 75 unless there's only you and another car, which of course will be doing 40, in the left lane.
23. The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the "slow" lane.
24. The far left lanes on all Virginia interstates are official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones.
25. All mini-vans and SUVs have priority clearance to use every lane at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in. Please don't be concerned if the driver is not actually looking at the road. They know they're on it
2. Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If you live or work in Loudoun or Fairfax county, your map was obsolete as soon as you paid for it.
3. There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.
4. All directions start with "From the Beltway"...which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an "inner" and "outer" designation.
5. The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM.
6. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound or 95 South in Virginia
7. If there is a ball game at Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. (Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington.)
8. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 "picture" you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green; you will get cussed out in 38 languages, none of them English.)
9. Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.
10. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant for toilet paper and milk.
11. Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate," but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick, unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do.
12. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Takoma Park".
13. If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, someone who just moved here from the mid-west.
14. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning.
15. All Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.
16. In Virginia, many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.
18. If you stop to ask directions in Southeast... well just don't.
19. A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you $16.75. (It's a zone thing, you just wouldn't understand.)
20. Traveling south out of DC through the Interstate 395/95 interchange is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do in a car.
21. You're comforted that you will make it to work on time when there are seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, bumper-to-bumper.
22. The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 75 unless there's only you and another car, which of course will be doing 40, in the left lane.
23. The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the "slow" lane.
24. The far left lanes on all Virginia interstates are official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones.
25. All mini-vans and SUVs have priority clearance to use every lane at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in. Please don't be concerned if the driver is not actually looking at the road. They know they're on it
