Breakup Letter (modify as necessary)

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Saw this from another forum, thought this is priceless...,

Dear Terri:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.

But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of
pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart
says... "There's no one like you, Terri." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. T*ts you wouldn't believe and an a*s like a tortoise shell. Every man’s dream right?
But as I sat on the couch being blown by this co-ed, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so surface. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes.
But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. and I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling little feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Terri, to
watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby.
Terri, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Mt. Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're fu*king in our old bedroom. And this broad's a total monster in the sack.
She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up with her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.

So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." Some of this I thought about later. You know what I mean? What happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself. That's the saddest part of all for me.

But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with you. Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together, Terri. she really is.)

So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times. here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you although, let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us.

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you?
It's true, baby. in your heart you know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much. Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us apart. And I can't be apart from you.

Because I love you.
 
That's probably one of the funniest things I've ever read! LMAO!!
 
That letter reminds of this story I found on the net a long time ago. Not sure who wrote it.


Try this one...It was 5:30 in the morning when that little piece of sh!t that everyone else refers to as a clock, brought me out of a drunken sleep. I don't know if it was so much a sleep, as being passed out. I would have given my left nut for the luxury of
hitting the snooze button just once, but I have always said "You
stay out with the boys. You get up with the men." I took a quick
glance around the room to make sure I hadn't picked up some ugly chick the night before. God knows, that with a few Crown Royals in a man, his judgment becomes somewhat impaired when it comes to the opposite sex.

I was alone and all I wanted to do was go back to bed. I drug my ass into the shower and tried to piece together the events of the evening before.
Lets see. Got off work. OK that's clear. Went to a bar. OK that's
still clear. Had a few shots of Crown. OK starting to get fuzzy. At
some point in the evening I somehow decided I was a rock star, and I began partying like Jim Morrison.
The rest of the evening is just a blur, punctuated with flashes of
me slamming down shots like they were never gonna make any more, and I wanted to make sure I got the last drop before the world ran out of alcohol. I get out of the shower and go to the front window looking for my truck, not knowing how I got home. Ahhhhh, there she was, and with no dents, dings or scrapes. One quick glance around the living room told a thousand tales. There are taco bell bags everywhere. Half eaten burritos, tacos, those little tater tot things, and god knows what else. All of a sudden a harsh reality sets in, "at some point in this day my guts are going to produce the biggest taco-crown bomb ever seen by the likes of mankind," and I think to myself that I'll just deal with it when the time comes.

Go back in the bathroom to brush my teeth. As soon as the taste of the paste hit my mouth, I started screaming in color at my
reflection in the mirror. This is gonna be a long day. I inspect the contents of my stomach, which are now in the sink, and I am pleasantly surprised not to find blood. What did concern me however, was the lack of solid foods. Indicating that the 6 pack of tacos, the assorted burritos, gorditas and maybe even that little Taco Bell dog, had made it past my stomach and into my intestinal tract. Guaranteeing that I would be producing a turd of epic proportion. Had I known just what this day held in store for me, I never would have left my house.

On my way into work I realize that I have about an hour before the new bookkeeper is going to be there so I don't need to rush in, and I decide that a cup of coffee might be a good idea. Next door to my work is a little sh!thole 24 hour joint that is owned by some bastard with bad teeth and even worse engirish, and I do mean "engirish." I get a table and order coffee. The table looked like someone had stolen the contents of my sink and painted the top of it with the stomach cocktail I had so lovingly concocted not more than an hour before. Needless to say, I decided to move before I added a whole new bile theme to this masterpiece of purge. My coffee came and I decided I might have a bite to eat. Knowing full well that I would most likely get food poisoning from eating anything that this hole of a restaurant. But I'M still too drunk to care. I don't know, maybe I figured there was enough crown in my blood to kill off any food born bacteria. And in retrospect, I really think there was. I decided on an omelet that is listed on the menu as, and I quote, "The Garbage Disposal".

It had everything in it. 6 eggs, peppers, potatoes,
mushrooms, chopped up chilies, sausage, leftover biscuits, salsa,
ham, cheese, probably some cat meat and everything else under the sun. And to top it off, a nice thick brown gravy. AHHHHHHH!! I was in drunk munchie paradise. "Wourd loo rike a grass of mirk" the server asked me. Why the hell not. I'm not gonna wash all this down with coffee. I ate it all. Right down to the last piece of toast crust, drank my milk, finished my coffee, paid my bill, and I was off to work.

Not long after I opened up, the new bookkeeper arrived. I'M not the one who hired her so I had never seen her. She was semi-attractive, about my age. I must have reeked of booze because she wouldn't get closer than 7 feet to me. La de da, this and that and I get her settled in. I walk out of her office and start down the hall and all of a sudden all the bells and whistles in my head start going off like an air raid warning. THE POO IS COMING!!!!!! THE POO IS COMING!!!!!!
Not seconds after that my insides cramped up as though I had been impaled with a hot fireplace poker, and I was lucky enough to realize, that I was about to sh!t my pants. I managed to slam my ass cheeks together just before the flow of butt lava freed itself from its confines. This produced a new problem. I could not move. There I stood in the hall with my ass doing its best impersonation of an oyster. I felt like someone was kicking me repeatedly in the guts, and the pain was blurring my vision. Panic started to set in after about 4 minutes of standing in one place. What if someone comes down the hall and I have to move. NOT AN OPTION!!!!
Another couple of minutes pass and I can move from the knees down only. At this point I would have given the world for an ass plug or a pair of depends, and I really wouldn't have cared which. It took me about 5 minutes, and about a quart of sweat and tears to go the 35 feet to the bathroom. All the while it felt like I had a living creature inside of me that had a body temperature of about 75000 degrees, had the claws of a brown bear, was madder than hell, and wanted out of my ass NOW!!!!
Much to my surprise, I made it to the bathroom without blowing mud in my pants. The bookkeeper never came out of her office, and nobody ever came down the hall. No sooner had I closed the door, than I realized I had yet another problem. There was no way in hell I would be able to drop my pants and keep this demon from hell in my ass long enough to drop myself onto the sh!tter. So there I stood. I waited until the mind numbing waves of pain subsided a little and undid my pants, I figured if I pulled my pants down and sat in one quick motion I might live through this. OK on three I thought to myself. One, Two, THREE!!!!!!!! I pulled my pants down with one fast motion not even realizing
just how much pressure was built up in my ass, and that by bending over so quickly, I had just increased the pressure four fold.

There was an ASSPLOSION.

The propulsion of the jet stream of shi! actually pushed me forward and I almost fell over. Now when I say assplosion, you have to understand, that I literally had a mushroom cloud of crap BLOW out of my overworked sphincter. Granted, the relief to my guts was heavenly, but I was horrified at what I saw when I turned around. There was sh!t every where. My sh!t bomb worked as though it was designed to military specifications. There was butt gravy six feet up the wall. The toilet looked as though it had been painted liberally with a nice coat of sh!t. There was sh!t on the toilet paper. There was sh!t on the mirror. There was sh!t in the sink. Sh!t on the door. Sh!t on the floor. My whole backside was covered with a greasy coat of sh!t. The back of my white shirt looked like a thousand monkeys had used it to wipe each others asses. The smell was overwhelming. The bathroom was only about five foot by four and a half feet wide, so it soon became hard to breath, and I began to gag and choke.

So there i was, with the worst hangover of my life, I have the dry heaves (somehow, my breakfast had joined forces with the taco bell for this ass party of the millennium, and was no longer in my stomach), I was covered in sh!t. Hell everything was covered with sh!t and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't just walk out of the bathroom and leave it like that for someone to find, not to mention, there was no way I was gonna walk out of there with butt juice all over me. I was a hostage! MY SH!T HAD LITERALLY -- TAKEN ME HOSTAGE!!!!!!!

I had to formulate a plan of attack to free myself from this virtual
sh!t hole. The toilet paper was going to be of no use to me, as it
was now soggy with poo juice, by the grace of god, the roll of paper towels remained unsoiled and much to my luck it was a full roll. I began the distasteful task of cleaning up. I have never experienced anything quite like this and I hope I never do again, it was axle grease, my ass had just manufactured axle grease! It wouldn’t wipe up, only spread. After a good twenty minutes of wiping, washing, gagging and choking, I ran out of paper towels, which was OK because I had pretty well cleaned up everything. Now, how in the hell am I gonna get out of here undetected?!
I had another shirt from the dry cleaners in my truck but how was I going to get there?! Then I remembered a jacket that I had seen at someone's desk!! I had to act fast, more people would be showing up soon. I stuffed my shirt in the garbage and peeked out the door. The coast was clear so I ran like the wind for that jacket.
When I put the jacket on I realized that it must have belonged to a kid and not someone in the office because the sleeves only came to my elbows. Too late to change plans now buddy, your committed. As soon as I get the thing zipped, the new, semi-attractive, about my age, bookkeeper came around the corner looking for me with a question. I must have been quite a sight. The first time she saw me I was in a suit and tie, reeking of booze. Now here I am wearing a kids jacket with no shirt, reeking of booze, and the added scent of eau de ass sauce. The only thing going though my mind was F#CK!!!!!!!!!!!
She was polite enough to pretend like this was something she sees every day and paid no notice. I answered her question and acted like this is a completely natural thing for a grown man to be doing at this time in the morning.

As soon as she was gone I ran like hell to my truck and grabbed my fresh shirt, threw it on, and went back inside. I poked my head in her office and told her that I had an emergency call and had to leave for a little while. All I wanted at this point was a shower. I drove home, cleaned up, changed my clothes and returned to the scene of the crime. By now there are other people in the office going about their business. I went in the bathroom to give it one more thorough cleaning with Lysol. Once all the evidence of my battle with the ass monster was gone I felt like I was reborn, I WAS A NEW MAN!!!!!!!!
I had fought the battle of the poo and come out the victor.

I will never forget that day. The bookkeeper worked there for a year or so and never mentioned her first day to me. Never will I forget the look on her face when she found a mad man in front of her stinking of all that is evil, wearing a child's jacket that only
covered half my torso. Nor will I forget her question. "Where's the
bathroom"?

So let this be a lesson to all of you. If you ever stay up until the
wee hours of the morning drinking like a fish and eating like a pig,
wake up drunker than 10 Indians and eat more sh!t fuel, and feel the sensation of a nuclear bomb going off inside your bowels. For gods sake, JUST SH!T YOUR PANTS!!!!!!! Then just go home. Believe me, you do not want to go through all the pain of the alternative.

Call me, The Ass Man
 
Funniest 2 things I'ver ever read/heard. Beware the ASSPLOSION!!
 
This has to be one of the funniest things I've seen in years. I read it two days ago and keep coming back to read it again and again. I've also shown it to everyone at work and everyone dies while reading it. Hilarious!:D
 
I think it's hilarious too. Like I said, I came across that story on another site years ago. I laughed my ass off at work while reading it over and over. Everyone thought I had lost it mentally. I don't work in the kind of office where people would appreciate that kind of stuff. I just wish I could remember who wrote it so I could give them proper credit. By the way, it took me about 20 minutes to edit that story. The original version is a little over the top with the F word and such. It makes it funnier I think, but I didn't know how many people may get offended on here.
 
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