May 23, 2005
WASHINGTON, DC
(AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Kerry, a longtime AWNAA supporter. "This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing", said Kerry.
President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability. Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the inept include mass merchandising retail stores (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of Nonabled people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level jobs. Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility or job performance requirements.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that hire clueless workers. Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to compete with workers that give a crap about their job and have some ambition to do better" said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of any notable job skills and her inability to successfully install all 5 lug nuts on a wheel. "This new law should really help people like me. Since I lost a finger on my right hand playing 'Hold the firecracker' as a child, it's hard to count past 4, and I just have not been able to get the hang of counting with my left hand."
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Kerry, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation
WASHINGTON, DC
(AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Kerry, a longtime AWNAA supporter. "This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing", said Kerry.
President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability. Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the inept include mass merchandising retail stores (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of Nonabled people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level jobs. Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility or job performance requirements.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that hire clueless workers. Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to compete with workers that give a crap about their job and have some ambition to do better" said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of any notable job skills and her inability to successfully install all 5 lug nuts on a wheel. "This new law should really help people like me. Since I lost a finger on my right hand playing 'Hold the firecracker' as a child, it's hard to count past 4, and I just have not been able to get the hang of counting with my left hand."
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Kerry, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation
