We all love a bit of humor so I'd pass on some of the e-mail funnies that has been sent to me. :biggrin:
Enjoy. :tongue:
Important health advice:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products (and goes well with truffles).
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of plants (barley – what you drink when your ILL! - and hops - practically a flower, so helping make you good looking to boot), as is vodka (grain; and potato, for the connoisseur), gin (juniper berries) and all other alcoholic beverages, except Bacardi Breezer (filth). Furthermore, water is good for you - we are about 60% water after all - and fine whiskies and other spirits must use the purest quality water to maintain their taste, and so are healthier still. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! - Although it does increase one's appetite for all those healthy foods and drinks (see next).
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in VEGETABLE oil. In fact, they're permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Chips are made from potatoes, a vegetable: hey presto, double goodness!!
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! Also, cocoa gets you high, so it's the best feel-good food around (the stronger the better - and mix it with the goodness of condensed vegetables (cream - see "steak" above) and the Belgians must be the happiest, healthiest bunch in the world)!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Yes: 'round' is a shape.
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember this little proverb: "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather skidding sideways, Chardonnay in one hand, strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming, WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
Enjoy. :tongue:
Important health advice:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products (and goes well with truffles).
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of plants (barley – what you drink when your ILL! - and hops - practically a flower, so helping make you good looking to boot), as is vodka (grain; and potato, for the connoisseur), gin (juniper berries) and all other alcoholic beverages, except Bacardi Breezer (filth). Furthermore, water is good for you - we are about 60% water after all - and fine whiskies and other spirits must use the purest quality water to maintain their taste, and so are healthier still. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! - Although it does increase one's appetite for all those healthy foods and drinks (see next).
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in VEGETABLE oil. In fact, they're permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Chips are made from potatoes, a vegetable: hey presto, double goodness!!
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! Also, cocoa gets you high, so it's the best feel-good food around (the stronger the better - and mix it with the goodness of condensed vegetables (cream - see "steak" above) and the Belgians must be the happiest, healthiest bunch in the world)!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Yes: 'round' is a shape.
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember this little proverb: "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather skidding sideways, Chardonnay in one hand, strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming, WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
